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October 26, 2005
Mandira unplugged
I do want to have kids but only when I feel that I can give up work for a couple of years.
"I want to be a full-time mother"
Think cricket. Think Mandira Bedi. Besides being a perfect television host, an impressive cricket commentator and a brilliant actress, Mandira is a perfect homemaker, who can successfully walk the tightrope between home and work. In an exclusive interview to Shaaditimes, she talks about her marriage, life and relationships...
You are involved in a lot of things, cricket, television and theatre. What keeps you ticking all the time?
The fact that I am doing so many things! In the first seven eight years of my working life, before the World Cup, I enjoyed what I did but there was a lot of monotony in it. Day in and day out I was doing serials and that became monotonous after some time. Especially when you are involved in long-term projects (daily soaps), which take up a lot of your time and energy.
I enjoyed what I did but somehow I wanted to do different things, which, fortunately, I am getting to do now. So, in a way acting on television or acting in serials, has taken a back seat. Right now, I am hosting shows, I am doing theatre, cricket. I feel blessed to get a chance to do so many things. I am happy that every week of my life is different. Like just yesterday, I shot for a fashion feature.
Were you always interested in cricket?
I always liked cricket in the sense that I always followed it. But it was a difficult task to sit in a panel and discuss it with the masters / experts of the game. And I was very very nervous especially when I came on air and saw the whole set up. Also because I was the first woman who was entering a sphere that was till then considered a 'Male Domain' Needless to say, I was a complete wreck. In fact I told the Sony guys that I was not adding any value to the show and to send me back to India. But they asked me to stay on as I was just finding my feet. That's when I realized that heaven and hell are in your head itself. Live in the present and enjoy your job. From then, I started enjoying my stint with cricket.
You have been married for almost six years now, what makes for a good relationship?
First and foremost understanding. I'm lucky that I've got a very understanding husband. He respects my work and because he respects my work there is freedom to do what I do. I feel understanding leads to equality in a relationship and that's the key ingredient to a long-term relationship.
I hate using the cliché 'better half' but I can say that my husband is my 'best half'. He is the opposite of me. I am hyper, aggressive, impatient and he's not any of these.
He's calm, patient and composed. Of course he is aggressive when it comes to his work. He's laid back in the right sense, just unlike me.
Also, I believe that opposites attract and for a lasting relationship you cannot have two similar people. He's all that I am not and that's why we work.
How important is taking each other's advice?
I depend on him for everything. Even when I am travelling and I need to ask him, I call him up and ask for his suggestions.
I seek his advice for everything and anything. He's an ideas man; he's into advertising (commercials) and also into films. Being so creative he always has some answer to give me. Even when it comes to cricket, he has some advice to give to me.
Does your celebrity status affect your relationship?
No, never. As I said before, Raj is the most understanding person, I've known. I can see other husbands in his situation not taking it too well, but he just wants the best for me. He truly loves me as I do him. He's absolutely okay with me being in the limelight. He's always there to encourage me and give me a helping hand.
Fortunately, he and I are from the same business so he understands and knows that it's important for me to be in the newspapers. He's therefore never been jealous or unhappy about it. He's only been happy for me and proud of me and always encouraging.
Taking a broader perspective, do you think that the definition of marriage is changing in today's world?
Yes it is. The trends and the things happening around show that. But personally speaking, I never want myself to get influenced by the changing trends. I look at my parents. The kind of relationship, which they have, even though they've been married for 37 years now, is amazing. They are my role models.
But, of course, in every relationship, in every marriage there are fights and arguments, but whenever I've had such testing times I just turn around and I look at marriages before me, marriages that have worked. I look to them to keep my relationship and me going.
Today, people walk out of a marriage instantaneously. I've seen people who've been seeing each other for years, but who get divorced after six months! But I try and not look at the current trends and I tend to look back at marriages, which have stood the test of time.
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What are your future plans?
I don't think about the future. Yes, I do want to have kids but only when I feel - this is it and I can give up work for a couple of years. I want to be a full-time mother and take care of my kids like my parents took care of me.
Even Raj agrees and says that after you have kids, for a while you can give up work to look after the kids, but you have to keep on working. You need an occupation.
But I'm not yet ready to have kids, may be in a year or year and a half. Right now, the things that I am doing are so exciting, my work drives me so much that I want to continue with the work. And then there are lots of other things coming up. There is "Fame Gurukool" on Sony television and of course lots of cricket. Sony has signed me for the Super Series in Australia in September, and then there is the Champions Trophy in early next year and then World Cup 2007. I have a long way to go!
| Avantika Bahuguna | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
October 26, 2005 in Celebrity Talk | Permalink
Why is there a craze for NRI grooms?
The lure for materialistic benefits, better lifestyle in the West tempts girls to marry NRI grooms.
Brinda lived in the U.K. from age three to twelve. In her British school she was known as Brenda. She came back to India two weeks before her thirteenth birthday. She always regretted that she had to spend her teens 'studying and slogging' instead of chilling out as teenagers which are usually depicted doing in Hollywood movies. Her father had no plans to leave India again but Brinda's fascination for the West never blurred, so much so, that she was determined to marry none other than an NRI groom.
Brinda got married to a software engineer in California in the last year of college. Brinda is now happily married for seven years and residing in San Francisco. She is once again known as Brenda in the U.S. Her children speak only English at home. On their trips to India, Brinda and her husband go on comparing on how better life is in the U.S. when compared to India. Many of Brinda's relatives residing in India are envious of her being an NRI and ask her to sponsor her cousins to study abroad.
Con artist Jaswinder Gill made 1 million pounds from 2000 to 2004 in a scam in which British Asian girls were lured into sham marriages in the pretext of getting theatrical jobs. Later they realized that they were tricked into marriages with guys posing as grooms ready to give modelling assignments. In reality they married a total stranger - Indian grooms who wanted to come to Britain. Jaswinder arranged for ostentatious and glitzy wedding decors. Before long these girls realized they had been duped and forced into matrimony by goons who threatened rape and violence. These girls were in their twenties, mostly living alone, struggling with monetary problems.
Roshni also was also fixated on marrying an NRI but she wasn't as lucky. She had just seen the photograph of her prospective husband and communicated for a month over phone before the marriage was fixed. She immediately ditched her boyfriend and started daydreaming of a cosy life in Florida. On the day of the wedding the groom lost consciousness. It was discovered that the groom had a chronic ailment which could even be life threatening. The groom had purposely chosen not to disclose this. The wedding was immediately cancelled. It was a piteous sight to see young Roshni, barely out of her teens, crying hysterically still dressed in wedding attire.
Why do Indian girls crave for NRI grooms? Aren't there eligible bachelors in India too? Why do they equate life in the West with happiness?
Says Dr.Anju Kapoor, Clinical Psychologist and Lecturer in Psychology in R.D.National College & W.A.Science College, "The lure for materialistic benefits, better lifestyle in the West tempts girls to marry NRI grooms. Material comforts can be obtained fairly easily there. They feel it is fun to get away from the humdrum, stereotypes and cultural stringencies of India to a more open and liberal society. Indian grooms believe that the marriage will be more lasting than marrying a foreigner as Indian wives can adjust better.
Ravinder Kaur was married to an Indian groom residing in Canada in 1995. She had two sons with her husband when he would come over to spend his vacations in India. Finally he told his wife that he'd be flying her with the children to Canada. At the New Delhi airport Ravinder's husband just fled with his sons leaving his wife in the lobby.
In 2000 Ravinder's husband, returned to India and handed his wife divorce papers. Her husband has now remarried and doesn't allow Ravinder to have any interaction with her sons. Ravinder now realizes that she was just her ex-husband's 'holiday wife'.
They fear that a foreign wife may file for a divorce more readily if she feels that the marriage isn't working out. There's risk in marrying an NRI groom in haste. There have been instances in which fraudulent NRI grooms have married Indian girls just to please their parents and have actually been taken as domestics. Maybe they have had previous affairs, which they haven't disclosed. The U.S. tops the list of all countries when it comes to marrying a NRI. Canada and the U.K are lucrative destinations too. Australia and New Zealand are coming up too because they are sparsely populated and are therefore inviting educated Asians."
The foreign hand
Says 23 year old Jesmita Akoigam, "As a teenager my dream was to marry an NRI.
I preferred the U.S, U.K, Canada and Australia as they are first world countries and fair people look good. I wasn't interested in immigrating to any Asian country as I felt it would be similar to India. I completely wanted to avoid Africa as I could only associate it with naked people and underdevelopment. My knowledge regarding the West came from Hollywood movies and websites. When I was 20 I fell in love with a guy who became my boyfriend. He is not an NRI and may stay all his life in India but nevertheless I want to get married to him someday. Now I understand that wanting to marry an NRI was an immature thought which I've completely grown out of."
Film director, Nagesh Kukunoor whose critically acclaimed film Hyderabad Blues deals with Indian girls desperate to marry NRIs says, "For women who want to marry U.S. grooms it is in the search of a prettier, better and more materially comfortable world. They think that the grass is always greener on the other side. I hope that NRI men want to get married to Indian women for some level of commonality and not because they just want a subservient wife.
Amrita Kaur, a fashion design student in New Delhi can't still come to terms with her ill fate. Her NRI husband from Canada just spent two weeks of conjugal life with her in India and left for Canada never to return. Amrita was further tortured by her in-laws for dowry and has taken her case to the Crimes Against Women division of the Indian police and has held her husband accountable.
Indian grooms who want to marry NRI girls are usually the ones with non-technical degrees. The U.S. mostly recruits engineers from India otherwise it is difficult to go. So marrying an NRI girl is the only way out for these men if they want to relocate to the U.S. However over the last five years the craze to immigrate to the U.S. has relatively simmered down. Enough capitalism has come to India and the standard of living has improved.
Indian jobs are offering much higher pay scales and many of the goods which were banned into coming to India from the West are available in many stores. What I wanted to show in my sequel to Hyderabad Blues is that the NRI bride hunt process is much more streamlined now. I showed that there are people who do NRI matchmaking as a legitimate business in India. There are marriage bureaus which keep computer files of all the information."
Satnam Parmar, a 38 year old drug store supervisor in Canada married Karmjeet Jaswal, a school teacher in India after a four-day courtship. A year later after Karmjeet's visa was processed; Jaswal was at Edmonton International Airport to greet his wife. To his horror Karmjeet blandly told him that she didn't love him and would not consummate the marriage. She had simply married Parmar so that she could come to Canada and later bring her mother and nephews along.
However not all girls want to relocate abroad through marriage but prefer living in India. Says 27 year old Sanchita Ray, a teacher in Kolkata, "I don't want to marry an NRI because I am too much in love with India. I honestly feel that we live only once and it would be foolish and heartless to live away from our near and dear ones even if the West promises all sorts of comforts and luxuries that India cannot perhaps offer.
Admittedly, I would also feel quite insecure in an alien land with foreigners. I feel that if I am destined to achieve anything in life, I can do so in my native land and don't have to settle in a foreign country to do so. I also fear that an NRI groom may be disrespectful towards typical Indian traditions and culture. And what if he has had affairs with foreign girls which he has kept secret?"
| Pallavi Bhattacharya | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
October 26, 2005 in In Focus | Permalink
Flirt with skirts
Check out fashion designer Shilpa K's fun-filled skirts with a glam look.
Check out fashion designer Shilpa K's fun-filled skirts with a glam look. Teamed with feminine blouses, these crushed skirts are a perfect blend of western chic and Indian ethnicity. The fabrics are a mélange of textures and colours and can be a timeless addition to your wardrobe.
| A ShaadiTimes feature | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
October 26, 2005 in Fashion | Permalink
Do not equate sex with love
Preeti asks, What does love mean? Is premarital sex real love? If yes how? And if no, why?
Is premarital sex real love?
Preeti asks,
What does love mean? Is premarital sex real love? If yes how? And if no, why?
Dear Preeti,
If I were to respond to your question, 'What is love?' I would probably have to write a whole book! Philosophers, romantics, psychologists and others, from time immemorial, have discussed this enigmatic topic at great length. So, even if I claimed to know what love is all about and I hasten to add that I don't, I would not have the time or space in this column for such a weighty and interesting matter.
Sex, whether premarital, marital or extramarital, is not love, but ideally, an expression of love. One should never make the mistake of equating sex with love. Those who do so very often end up going from partner to partner in search of a love that eludes them because they are looking for it in the wrong place. Marilyn Monroe is one of the most famous examples of such an empty and frustrating search for illusory love.
Love is all of the following: a feeling, a decision, a commitment, the willingness to share and give of oneself, to be intimate, to respect and be respected and much, much more. While sexual behaviour often expresses love, it can and does occur in the absence of love. Hence, it is not a proof of love.
Where should I look for happiness?
Snehal asks,
I am a 33-year-old woman, working in a junior managerial position, emotional and practice values. I am unmarried and looking for a good match. We are from the business class (baniya) of West Bengal. I have got a proposal from a well-settled doctor of UK, who is from a scheduled caste and has liked me a lot. My family fears matching between two castes may not be good, but I have found good values, education and stability in him. Do you think if I go ahead it will be good for the future? If I marry where should I look for happiness and how do I overcome any differences coming from caste differences?
Dear Snehal,
Please remember that caste differences reflect our mental conditioning rather than the reality out there. From a practical point of view, social class differences are much more significant than caste differences for a happy, successful marriage. Two partners from the same caste but from different socioeconomic backgrounds are likely to experience more difficulties understanding or getting along with each other than two partners from different castes but a similar socioeconomic background. Thus, for instance, if the girl is a doctor or college lecturer she may perceive a higher degree of incompatibility with her husband who is from the same caste, but happens to be a clerk and/or earns an income much lower than hers or who socialises only with persons of his educational and socioeconomic status.
If you have found "good values, education and stability" in this doctor from the U.K. then you are a fortunate person indeed. Aren't these traits more important for fulfilling and harmonious relationships than some unreasonable social ranking created by us humans and compulsorily conferred on individuals at birth? The traits that you mention are acquired in the lifetime of an individual, by sheer dint of hard work and strength of character, unlike that of caste which is thrust willy-nilly on a person through some kind of social inheritance.
On the other hand, if you are emotionally conditioned to believe that caste is an important human characteristic with consequences that are rigid and unchangeable, and you cannot disabuse yourself of such notions, I strongly suggest that you think twice before saying "yes" to the match. If you fail to do so, you would only be setting yourself up for an unhappy marriage. This would happen because you might not be able to see him as your equal but as an inferior, and might feel ashamed of him and his relatives. I suggest that you take a good look at your feelings and beliefs about marrying someone from a lower caste, and go ahead only if you are sure that this is a trivial matter for you. If you do make the decision to marry this doctor, then make a second and equally important decision: not to ever let the caste difference become an ugly issue at any point of time in the marriage. The decision has to be yours and yours only.
Can I fit in and be liked by his family?
Bethe asks,
I am a white Christian, my fiancé is a Muslim. We have been together for almost 3 years and plan to get married this summer. His parents are very upset that he is going to marry me and that they were not able to arrange his marriage with a Pakistani Muslim. They are continually trying to make him feel guilty by stating they'll lose their social standing within the community and will be shamed. They also threatened to disown him. While I'm doing my best to understand their cultural beliefs, I am very angry that they feel their own reputation is more important than their son's happiness. Last week they reluctantly agreed to meet me. I am not looking forward to the trip, because it's clouded with dislike on their part. I am not confident walking into a situation where I feel I've already lost. My fiancé and I love each other very much and have been very supportive of each other. Do you have any suggestions on how I can fit in and be liked by the family? I know I'll need to be patient, that's a given, but any specific suggestions would be appreciated. His mother speaks little English, so I'm doing my best to learn a few key Punjabi sentences so I can show that I respect her.
Dear Bethe,
I understand your anger at your fiancé's parents for the stand they take which, as you rightly point out, reflects a selfish concern over their own reputation rather than with their son's happiness. However, in this part of the world, religion is a very important factor in the choice of marriage partner. In traditional societies, such as in India and Pakistan, where marriages are arranged by the elders more often than not, it is very difficult for the parents to come to terms with the fact that their child has made his own choice. It is even more upsetting when that choice has not taken into account the all-important factor, religion. Believe me, this is an unpalatable reality for most parents to digest and your boyfriend's parents will certainly need some time to get over it. While some of us do not conform to traditional views nor succumb to culturally induced feelings of fear or shame, most people are hopelessly steeped in tradition and do toe the line. I imagine that your fiancé's parents will be subject to rather harsh criticism from friends and relatives, and accusations about how they failed to raise their son with the right values or how they fell short of inculcating in him a respect for his religion and culture. To say I am not surprised that his parents have responded in this manner would be an understatement.
I am happy that you and your fiancé love and support each other very much. My guess is that your fiancé is facing a rough time and will have to stay quite strong so as not to take those guilt trips his parents try to send him on. It's wonderful that you recognise the need to be patient with his parents. That you are learning some Punjabi and would like to fit in speaks volumes for your willingness to meet them halfway. I guess with those attitudes you will eventually win their hearts; and when they see for themselves how much you two love each other, they may come round to accepting you. Perhaps the best thing for you to do is to understand how tough it is for them to accept you. I wish you both a bright and happy future.
Should I contact her or forget her?
Prakash asks,
I was in love with this girl at work. We were friends for 2-3 months and I asked to go out and she went and told other co-workers and wrote an email to me not to contact her. Everybody stopped talking to me, I have no clue what's happening. Two days later I called her up and asked to talk at least once. She told me that I asked her to sleep with me in our phone conversation. I said its not sleep its speak, and said it was a mistake. While I was still talking her brother- in- law threatened that if I ever call he will call the police. I still like her but she won't answer my phone or emails. We have both left the company. Do you think I should try to contact her or just forget her?
Dear Prakash,
I am amazed that you even ask whether you should stop contacting this girl. You say:
1) She has requested you through the e-mail not to contact her;
2) She has stopped talking to you;
3) She has accused you of asking her to sleep with you;
4) She has complained to the co-workers about you;
5) Based on her accusation the co-workers have stopped talking to you;
6) Her brother-in-law has threatened to complain to the police if you ever call her again.
After all this, why on earth would you want to get in touch with her? There are two important things here. One is respect for her and for her rights. She has the right to break contact with you. Any individual has, for whatever reason, the right to reject our friendship; and we are obliged to accept that fact however much it might hurt us. If we continue to pursue the friendship, we violate their rights. The second important issue here is your own self-respect. If you respect yourself you would not want to impose your friendship on someone who rejects it. To do so is a psychological set-up: You set yourself up for humiliation and insult. There is a third, and very important, practical implication. In many countries laws have been enacted to protect individuals from those who aggressively profess to love them through persistent telephone calls, visits, messages, stalking behaviour, and so on. Laws against stalking are aimed at securing the privacy and safety of the targeted person whom the stalker professes to love, but in effect, harasses. I suggest that you respect this girl's right to be left alone and if you find it difficult to do so, please consult a Clinical Psychologist who would help you to get over your feelings for her.
Key to a successful married life.
Haroon asks,
What is the key to a successful Married Life- caring for each other, or understanding? It still remains a mystery why a divorce takes place?
Dear Haroon,
Any attempt to answer your question would take the form of an entire book. I would like you to be a little more specific about what you seek to understand with respect to marriage and/or divorce. Perhaps you have some specific doubts or queries about the nature of successful and unsuccessful marital relationships. So please feel free to enumerate those and we will do the best we can to address them.
October 26, 2005 in Expert Advice | Permalink
Relationship is a two-way street
Cultivate friendships with successful, outgoing people. And at the same time, avoid shy and weak people.
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Ruby K Bhatia is a grooming expert and conducts seminars on Personality Development throughout India. She covers topics like self-confidence, public speaking, grooming and manners. Have a question? Click here... |
Hairstyle that makes a difference
Manju asks,
I'm 29 years old, wheatish complexion, soft features. In a way I do look good when I dress up. But the problem is I've long hair, whenever I go out either I tie my hair or plait it. I want a new look. Scared to cut my hair short as I am not sure how I'll look. Please advice
Dear Manju,
I used to have long hair right down to my waist...till I was 20! It's taken me ten years to get used to this, but now I finally see the benefits of short hair.
The pros:
a) you always look smart,
b) so easy to take care of,
c) you never have a bad hair day.
The cons:
a) you look a little too modern, and people think you are "fast",
b) sometimes people think you are a man,
c) sometimes YOU think you are a man. Do one thing. Go to a good hairdresser and get a smart cut. Tell them to do a blunt sort of thing so that you can grow it back fast. Go gradual. But it's a whole different world. Go for it.
Confidence to speak
Shahzad asks,
How do I increase my confidence during a conversation?
Dear Shahzad,
If there is mental clarity, it is not so difficult to speak. The important thing is to know what you are, what you want, what are your strengths, and what are your weaknesses. Always remember that you are valuable as a human being. Every moment, understand that you are trying to be an able, earnest and useful human being. When that confidence comes, then you will not find it so difficult to say what you need to say...when you need to say it.
Do girls like handsome boys?
Ranjan Baksi asks,
I am 29 yrs old, working as a computer network engineer. I am not so good looking, one can say I am a born defective person, but still I love God because he has given me the hands, legs and brain to earn my living. Now I understand that in every girl's heart she desires a handsome person as a life partner. How should I improve myself?
Dear Ranjan,
If you want to find someone just for the sake of "getting the girl", then it's better you stay out of the pursuit, as you will find a lady difficult to handle after you have achieved her. Understand one thing: a relationship is a two-way street. You will have positives and negatives and so will she. It's not just that you become handsome, a girl likes you, and you are all set. In fact, you should like her too! And no, we don't like handsome men. We like men who are caring, loving.... who like themselves and accept us too. Groom yourself well (short, neat hair; shaving every single day; getting a facial, manicure and pedicure once a month; shaving your armpits; using a deo; wearing a fresh shirt and socks every day)...and aside from that, concentrate on the soul.
Find a good life partner
Sonia asks,
I have registered on this site for over a year and haven't yet found a suitable match. I don't think I am being too selective but yet I don't seem to like any one much. Also if I do like someone then there are other issues like family, education etc that don't let it go further. I do not have a very social life that I would meet someone otherwise. I have started to think that before I miss the boat and get too old I should compromise with whatever best is available. I don't know if I am thinking the right way? Please suggest whether I should wait for that person with spark in his eyes or not?
Dear Sonia,
There are approaches to marriage. The external approach is to get married so that you can have the things that even a not-so-good marriage offers (someone to come home to, stability, someone to look after certain areas of life like house-maintenance, taxes etc.) The other reason to marry is an internal one (understanding, friendship, fun, love and care). If you are marrying for the first reason, which is quite fine, then you may need to compromise because at least your basic needs are taken care of. If, however, you are striving for deeper things, then you must wait. Otherwise, you will find yourself worse off than now. You need to know your reasons and motives, because the only one you have to answer to later is: YOU.
Ruby K Bhatia will answer your queries. Ask now!
October 26, 2005 in Expert Opinion | Permalink
October 19, 2005
Hungry for new words?
Most of us have an unsatiable hunger for new words. I have known of many such people who use the dictionary almost like a novel. During a recent web-surf I found the word 'limerence' which intrigued me. The word has come into existence only in 1977.
Wanting to share it with those who thirst for such words I give below two links. One is to wikipedia, the online dictionary which will give you the meaning of the word and the other link is to an article titled, 'How to deal with unrequited love' wherein the word is used.
If you too chance upon any such new additions to the English langauage, do share it with like-minded users.
Keep clicking,
jaahnavi p paal
October 19, 2005 in In Focus | Permalink
October 17, 2005
The future is google
For all of us who are addicted to the web, 'Google' is the most frequently used word in our net vocab. And why not? It is arguably the best tool in our lives. Recently, I came across this very enlightening essay on how futuristic Google is, titled, ' Imagining the Google lifestyle.' Written by an ardent Linux lover, it is a must-read for all netizens.
Check out this link to read the essay
Recommended by
jaahnavi p paal
editor - shaaditimes.com
October 17, 2005 in Technology | Permalink | Comments (0)
October 11, 2005
A date with Marjorie Orr
A TV producer turned astrologer, Marjorie Orr is the most recognized face in the world of astrology.
"There's no such thing as a perfectly harmonious marriage"
A TV producer turned astrologer, Marjorie is the most recognized face in the world of astrology. It was a chance meeting with an astrologer whilst doing a TV series on the paranormal that changed the course of her life.
There was no looking back since then and today she is recognized for her many accurate predictions of everything from world events to celebrity forecasts.
In a freewheeling interview with Shaaditimes, Marjorie speaks on a wide range of topics:
You said in an interview that political astrology is your favourite genre. Which has been your greatest political prediction?
I don't keep track particularly. The economic downturn of the late 1980s, the non-event of the Millennium, the storm that America faced running into 9/11, the present maelstrom in the Middle East.
Which has been your greatest celebrity prediction?
The breakdown of Charles and Diana's marriage and the troubles of the Royal Family through the 1990s.
Do you believe a person can change his or her destiny through will power?
To a limited degree, since we are all bound by certain patterns imposed by family and the culture of the age we are born into. The more understanding you have, and a knowledge of your birth chart is one way into this understanding, then the more freewill you have. Carl Jung said that what we are unconscious of meets us on the outside as fate. So if you get more conscious and you will be less buffeted by fate. But the road to self knowledge is not a fast or easy one.
Do you believe in life after death?
Yes, I believe the spirit goes on. Though that is a personal belief, not one which is dictated by astrology.
What's your favourite zodiac sign? Why?
Probably Sagittarius since they are the zodiac's great optimists.
When do you think the world will end?
I don't. I have a firm belief in the power of nature to sort out most things. I think beliefs in the world ending or indeed the move into the Golden Age which is the opposite extreme are part of human myth - a need to belief in total blackness or total light. The likelihood is that neither will happen.
What's the best thing about being an astrologist?
It helps me understand people and the struggles in their lives and I hope can help them make a better and more fulfilling life for themselves.
Are you aware of the Indian astrological system? If yes, what do you think are its strengths and weaknesses? How does it differ from the system of astrology you follow?
I have a great deal of respect for Vedic Astrology but am not familiar enough with it to know precisely how it works. It uses a slightly different zodiac so people do become confused when their signs appear to be different. Vedic uses the Moon sign much more than Western astrology, which is more Sun oriented. I believe Vedic astrology has great capacity for prediction.
Indians rely largely on horoscope matching prior to their marriage. Do you subscribe to this? Is something like that practiced in the West?
Astrology is enormously helpful in pointing up which relationships are more compatible and which won't work out happily at all. There's no such thing as a perfectly harmonious marriage so it's a question of weighing the pros and cons. In the West people tend to marry 'for love', which means entirely on their instincts which aren't always the best guide since the first flush of romance doesn't always stand the test of time. If people in the west are madly in love they probably wouldn't rely too heavily on astrology since they wouldn't want to know that their feelings were misleading them. It's only when they are unsure that they come looking for astrological guidance. I think the Indian way is probably more sensible since it means such an important decision can be weighed up more coolly and looking at all the evidence and information which astrology can offer.
Is an astrologer a little bit of a clairvoyant, a little bit of a fortune teller and a little bit of a soothsayer all rolled into one?
Astrology and clairvoyance are different. A clairvoyant or seer sees visions either in a crystal ball or in tea leaves or in their head - they can sometimes come up with very accurate predictions but they are not good on timing and can also be very wrong. It also tends to be fatalistic - this is going to happen no matter what you do.
Astrology works on the birth charts, so is more rational, is good on timing and because it tells you about trends does give you some choices. It indicates there is a degree of freewill. You have to work within the framework of your personality reflected in the birth chart and you have to cope with the influences (the planetary transits) of the moment - but within those givens you have a degree of latitude about how you live out your life at any given time. A good astrologer will rely on their intuition in reading the chart since it's a question of balancing a huge number of variables and selecting which are most important.
According to you which zodiac sign will be under a shadow this year where relationships are concerned?
Pisces, Sagittarius and Capricorn have been having a rather cool patch emotionally over the past couple of years. Pisces haven't been socialising as much; Sagittarians have been feeling unsupported and Capricorns have been noticing the flaws in long running relationships. With Saturn moving out of Cancer into Leo in July for two positive years, there will be changes. Aries won't be as romantic over the next couple of years; Aquarius will find that certain long term relationships are more distanced; Capricorns will have to rely on their own emotional resources since partners won't be as able or as willing to pitch in with encouragement and support.
| Jaahnavi P Paal | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
October 11, 2005 in Celebrity Talk | Permalink
Is cyber sex cheating or a harmless fantasy?
Some people engage in cyber sex for novelty and experimentation. Some believe, it is a different form of sex.
"When will you be coming home, tonight?" asks Shyam's harried wife. "Honey, I'm stuck in a very important meeting, I'll come home around midnight. I'll make it up to you and the kids on Sunday by taking you on a nice family picnic."
Convinced that Shyam is working late, his wife hangs up. Shyam is actually in a cyber cafe involved in sado-masochistic sex with his virtual cyber partner living in Thailand. Shyam is actually a very affectionate father and gets along very well with his wife. Shyam and his wife make love quite often but his wife is a bit inhibited in bed. Shyam has a fascination for oriental women and wishes for what he terms 'a bolder' sex-life. Since he can't get what he wants in real life, he partially satisfies himself with online S&M sex.
No sex please!
Twenty-year-old Manish has a very doting girlfriend. However she doesn't believe in pre-marital sex though their relationship does have a certain amount of physical intimacy. Frustrated with his girlfriend's refusal to have sex Manish started frequenting pornographic sites. He later started visiting chat rooms and started indulging in cyber sex with women of various ages and nationalities.
Thirty-two-year old Aneesha's husband often has to go on official tours. Even when he comes home he rarely has sex with his wife. Aneesha is gradually getting emotionally attached to her cyber-partner, a 35-year-old divorced man from Delhi with whom she engages in cyber-sex in text format, voice messages and web cam. Aneesha however does not want her cyber-lover to come over to her home town Bangalore to meet her, as she does not want to risk her marriage especially for the sake of her children.
Are they cheating?
Are Shyam, Manish and Aneesha cheating on their partners? Do they have a guilty conscience? Or do they self-justify what they are doing? What explanation will they give to their partners if they find out that they are indulging in cyber-sex? All these questions lead to one crucial question: Is cyber sex, which may be defined as 'sexual activity or arousal through communication by computer' be termed as cheating?
Twenty-one-year old Anindita Ghose feels, "If love is a state of mind, playing sexual mind games with someone other than your partner definitely spells c-h-e-a-t-i-n-g. Indulging in cyber sex reflects an unsatisfied sex life and I would surely feel insulted, inadequate and not to mention furious if I found out that my boyfriend was going about doing it, though I would be far more upset if he was having 'real' sex. So there, cyber sex is a threat to a relationship even though it's unreal in a strange sort of way."
The flip side
Film artiste Bobby Darling however has a different point of view. 
When asked if cyber sex is cheating or just a harmless fantasy, he candidly answers, "Cyber sex may not necessarily be harmful. I regularly go to a site where both straight and gay people engage in cyber sex. I am simply trying to relocate abroad and searching for a partner from that site. In my opinion a married person who engages in online cyber sex cannot be termed as an infidel as it is after all virtual sex. A married person can get attracted to someone he meets at a party, but that can't be termed as betrayal, can it? However if a married person has real sex with someone outside marriage it is definitely betrayal."
Sam, who sometimes indulges in cyber sex, feels that it is not cheating on the partner because, "My girlfriend has no problems with me visiting pornographic sites, so why should she feel betrayed if I tell her about my cyber sex experiences?" Sam's comment is refuted by Darla who says, "Visiting porn sites and watching x-rated movies is different from having cyber sex as you are actually communicating with someone who is sexually arousing for you." John contradicts Darla by pointing out, "You actually don't know who is on the other end in cyber sex unless you meet the person. A man may pretend to be a woman.
A child may pretend to be an old man. An old man may pretend to be a teenager. Before I got married I had this cyber lover with whom I had great fun communicating. I even saw different images of my lover through web cam and found her to be a very beautiful woman. Much later my lover revealed to me that he was actually a man and those images were pre-recorded." Quite surprisingly Bill says that his sexual relationship with his wife has improved after experimenting with cyber sex. "We have an open marriage and both of us engage in cyber sex, sometimes sitting together in front of the same computer. Both of us went to these chat rooms after we felt that our lovemaking had lost fervour and innovativeness. Communicating with a large cross-section of people around the globe on various sexual techniques actually helped both of us to implement the same in our sex lives to make it far exciting." Mark quips, "Cyber sex is the safest sex ever. We are not in risk of getting AIDS or sexually transmitted diseases. Women don't have to fear of unwanted pregnancies."
Sociological standpoint
Manju Nichani, Principal of Kishinchand Chellaram College, M.A. in Sociology says, "Boredom and loneliness are major reasons for indulging in cyber sex. Both men and women indulge in cyber sex though women may withdraw faster and get scared soon as the fear of being caught and its consequences may be more frightening in the woman than for the man."
Probing deep into the psychological reasons as to why people indulge in cyber sex, psychiatrist Dr. Dayal Mirchandani says, "Some people engage in cyber sex for novelty and experimentation. Even if they are married or have a sex life, virtual sex is a different form of sex. Some people find it interesting because it is anonymous- they actually don't know who is at the other end. Some people do it to escape the hard reality of an unhappy marriage through cyber sex or because they can at least virtually fulfil sexual fantasies which they can't act out in real life." When asked if cyber sex can be harmful, Dr. Mirchandani answers, "Paedophiles often use chat rooms to track children. Since children are always curious about sex they fall prey to it. This problem is quite prevalent in India, as teenagers are not usually allowed to have sex with people of their own age. If one gets addicted to cyber sex in a way that one loses focus on his work or stops relating to one's partner it is harmful."
No-trust motion
Meenakshi says, "After the birth of my second child I was too preoccupied with my children and had less time for sex with my husband. I realized that we were also drifting apart emotionally. The first shock I got was when I discovered soft-porn magazines in his work desk. A few weeks later I found sleazy SMSes on his mobile from a woman he was engaging in cyber sex with. When I confronted by husband he was initially in denial and then put all the blame on me for neglecting him. I felt like divorcing him right away but after successive therapy sessions with a marriage counsellor most of our problems gradually went away though I don't think I can ever trust my husband as I used to."
| Pallavi Bhattacharya | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
October 11, 2005 in In Focus | Permalink
Wedding specialist
Fashion guru Ritu Kumar guides you on some trousseau must-haves, must-buys.
It is the wedding season, a time for lavishness and revelry. For brides-to-be, it is the time to over-spend. Getting a trousseau ready is one of the most difficult things and hence needs expert guidance.
Fashion guru Ritu Kumar whose trousseaus set her apart from the rest, guides you on some trousseau must-haves, must-buys.
Trousseau Tales
Your trousseau is a reflection of your personality. It should have the right mix of Indian, ethnic and western outfits, so that you have an option for any occasion. When choosing your trousseau keep in mind that you include wearable stuff (besides your bridal outfits), something which you can wear after your marriage as well. A few guidelines:
This season's trend-o-meter by Ritu Kumar
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| Avantika Bahuguna | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
