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January 27, 2006
Mad about Mona - Meet the woman behind Jassi
You saw her transform from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan...
You saw her transform from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan... Mona Singh aka Jassi of Jassi Jaisi koi nahin has come a long way from frumpy to femme fatale.
In conversation with the small screen's most popular middle-class icon, Mona Singh...
I never thought that Jassi would be such a huge hit!
"It's an overwhelming feeling. It's unbelievable to have so many people respecting and loving you."
"Whatever I have achieved today, whatever I am today is because of the serial Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin. The response to the serial has been phenomenal. I never thought the serial would be such a huge hit. I feel really lucky. I guess the success is because of the serial's concept, which is different from others."
I didn't have any contacts in Mumbai...
"I always wanted to be an actor but I didn't know how to go about it because I didn't have any contacts in Mumbai. Since childhood, I had a deep desire to become an actress. I used to enact scenes from serials and films for my family members. But not in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would land up with a lead role."
"Deeya and Tony were the first people I met, and the day I met them I bagged the role! And that was the time they introduced me to my character Jassi and I was very charged about it right from day one. I always used to dream that there'll be a day when I would get out of the car and photographers would hound me for pictures. And that's exactly what happened in reality, so its a dream come true for me."
My gums would bleed because of the braces!
"I've always been a very family-oriented and homely girl. I never stayed without my parents. So, 'Jassi Jaisi ... ' was the kind of show where the character was 'me', very close to what I am in reality. I really didn't have to make an extra effort to get into the character because I also come from a Punjabi middle-class family."
"I just loved the character. I felt like Superman who's supposed to hide his identity. I enjoyed wearing the chashma, the braces, the hairstyle... it was absolutely amazing."
"However, it definitely wasn't easy. My gums would bleed and my lips used to be perpetually cut thanks to the braces. And the specs, they were so heavy! As it is said, success doesn't come easy."
"Also, I've learnt a lot from the show, the biggest lesson being - nothing is permanent, everything is very temporary, and it's just a phase. It's very important for you to realize that nothing stays forever. It's important to have your feet on the ground because you might lose your balance some day and not realize where you fall. You should love and care about people around you because it's because of them that we are here and it's not nice if we are nasty to them; that's what I have realized in these two years."
I am very similar to Jassi
"I am very similar to Jassi. In fact, I don't even have to rehearse my lines again and again. I do every scene very spontaneously because I feel I am the character. Specially the way Jassi was initially, the way she used to keep bumping into people, keep dropping things, her clumsiness, the Punjabi accent, it was so like me. In Jassi, I'm very close to my Dad which is true in reality as well. So, it was something which was very close to me in real life."
Earlier I used to carry the stress home...
"I love to sing and listen to music. It's a great stress-buster. Earlier I didn't know how to keep calm at home, without any worries and tension; I used to carry the stress home. Now, I've learnt the trick - listen to music, go out with people, we go and chill out at Barista or go for a drive before going home... "
I do a lot of prananyam
"I drink a lot of water. I don't get time to go to the gym and work out.... it's just eat and shoot all the time. So, now I have started getting salads from a dietitian called Vrinda Mehta, and that's keeping me fit, and my skin's looking healthier too!"
"I also do a lot of breathing exercises and prananyam in the mornings, which I think has also helped a lot."
Nandu (Gaurav Gera) is my best friend
"My friends are very close to me, in fact, there's a saying that, 'God gave us relatives but thank God they gave us the choice to choose our own friends'. That's exactly what I feel about friends. They are the most precious things in your life."
"Nandu, (Gaurav Gera) is my best friend even off-screen. We have a very good friendship and there's not a single day that we don't call each other."
"I think it's very important to have friends, especially in this field, as you tend to get lonely at times and only friends can make you feel better."
Marriage is the most beautiful, the purest form of love
"In our parent's time, divorce did not exist so blatantly. They knew how to make it work by perseverance and adjustments.
That's the way a marriage should be worked out. There are ups and downs in every relationship and one has to go through it. Talk it out and solve it in a mature fashion. For me, marriage is the most beautiful and purest form of love, which shouldn't decrease when one gets married.
I want to get married, but there is still time for that. I'm a very ambitious person and I really want to do lots of good work. I feel marriage, right now, won't be the right thing to do."
I am looking for good roles in movies
"I'm getting quite a lot of offers from Bollywood. In fact, I've even signed one film with Bobby Pushkarna, the producer of Page 3 and I'm very excited about that. We would be starting this project in December or January.
The kind of roles that I'm looking at are not just to prove a point, but to do something that I've not done in Jassi. Something, which is completely different from what I've been doing.
I am looking for good character-oriented roles in movies. Being an actor I want to explore different roles, different characters, because it's been two years that I've been Jassi and now I want to experiment."
It's very important to dream
"I want to be very successful in whatever I do. Even when I get married and I have, let's assume, a boutique of my own, or I'm a happily married woman who takes care of her kids, I always want to give my best. Only then will I be the most successful woman in this whole world.
"It's very important to dream because if you don't dream you can't make them come true. I always used to dream of being very successful and of people recognizing me wherever I went and I've worked towards it. So, I would say don't give up your dreams, they won't easily come true... you'll have to work towards it."
| Avantika Bahuguna | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
January 27, 2006 in Celebrity Talk | Permalink
The 'I do' fear
Dealing with commitment phobia
Rishi's parents got a divorce when he was in his early teens. Belonging to a dysfunctional family Rishi always craved for love and understanding. Due to this he started dating at a very young age and has been with many women. However, being 40 now he is still unmarried. Most of Rishi's relationships have been flings - he enjoyed flirting and entered into many short-term physical relationships with women.
There were however two women in his life with whom Rishi felt he was genuinely in love but he did not marry either of them. The reason he gave was, "I've totally lost faith that true love can be everlasting. My parents in fact eloped and married and they initially felt they could not live without one another. But their romance soon soured and serious problems surfaced in their marriage since I was a child, which traumatises me still. Now I have one-half brother and two step sisters. I broke up with the two women I loved especially when we grew closer as I felt that something would happen to sabotage our relationship. I refused to marry as I feared that I would also have to go through a bitter divorce like my parents." Rishi admits he suffers from commitment phobia and has recently started seeing a therapist.
Indira feels that no man is good for her. Her agenda for 'Mr.Right' is quite exhaustive - "he must be handsome, tall, rich, caring, creative, dress smartly, have a prestigious job, be an adventure freak, socially presentable ... ...'. She has in fact rejected proposals due to flimsy reasons like - 'he doesn't drive the right car' or 'his hairline has receded slightly'. Indira who is in her early thirties feels she's still single as none of her many suitors were remotely eligible. "The last thing I want to do is make any sort of compromise while entering into a marriage."
Meena had a few bitter break-ups and her engagement was broken off three days before the wedding. Interestingly Meena has a tendency to fall in love with men who just aren't interested in forming an intimate relationship or genuinely love her. But if she meets a man who is really loving and caring she avoids him. Referring to Audrey Chapman Seven Attitude Adjustments to Finding a Loving Man on types of behaviour women may use to avoid commitment, Meena seems to fit into the 'pity party-goer category' who has a 'has a self fulfilling prophecy that she can't meet someone who is right for her'. Interestingly she starts relationships that are doomed to fail thereby reinforcing her self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. She also has a habit of leaving and returning to the same failing relationship over a lapse of months or years. Maybe that's her way of avoiding commitment thereby hurting herself in the process.
What is commitment phobia?
The online Wikipedia dictionary defines commitment phobia as 'a common fear that men and women alike encounter - either as the commitment-phobe or significant other of one.' At the base of this phobia is a set of false beliefs, or disbeliefs about relationships.
Expert speak:
Sociologist Vinita Bhatia feels, "I do not believe that there is Ms Perfect / Mr. Right existing and waiting for him / her. It is more rational and logical to commit yourself to someone you more or less like and then make adjustments to make a relationship work provided your partner has feelings for you too." When asked how a person may ascertain if he / she is dating a commitment phobe, Vinita answers, "There will be a lack of seriousness. You may find that all that the person is looking for is fun."
Consulting psychologist, Dr. Eshita Mandal feels, "I feel that marriage denotes ultimate commitment as opposed to long-term live in couples who are not comfortable of living with the idea of commitment. They prefer to have their freedom and feel if they commit they would get tied down and would not have the freedom they are used to. Marriage involves not only committing to one's spouse but to one's children and extended family members. Commitment phobes would love to have close friends but would not commit himself / herself to get married."
Commitment phobia does not pertain only to men:
A prevailing myth is that commitment phobia essentially pertains to men as they don't want to forsake their fun-filled bachelor days to going home early in the evening to his wife and children and seriously taking care of family responsibilities. On the contrary women are taken to be the nurturing type who wish to settle down and have children. This theory is however a generalization especially in the contemporary era.
Agrees 27-year-old Gautam Kumar, "Commitment phobia is as prevalent in women as in men. Many working women enjoy their freedom and as they go up on the success ladder they find it even more difficult to make adjustments to a male partner. Men have always had the upper hand as they were seen as the ones managing the finances and being rough and ready. Women today have shown that its not a man's world anymore and may not consider themselves any less than a man and may dislike the idea of making compromises, which are required in a relationship." Adds consulting psychologist Dr. Eshita Mandal, "Both men and women can suffer from commitment phobia and the reasons may differ from person to person."
Filmi fever:
Renowned percussionist Bikram Ghosh who plays the protagonist Abinash in the Bengali film Hothat Nirar Jonyo (which deals with a man who frees himself from commitment phobia) explains, "Rani was Abinash's ideal. It hurts him to see her displaced from his lofty pedestal and domesticated like many other housewives. He being an inquisitive person, needed to know what other relationships would be like before he made a decision like marriage. He does not want to marry his girlfriend Maya with the image of another woman, Neera in his head. So he chalks out his own solution and puts it to work. After he consummates his relationship with a married Rani it frees him of the Utopian vision he had of her and he then proposes marriage to his girlfriend Maya. People like Abinash can easily move on."
Practical implications:
Dealing with commitment phobia in real life, it's best to opt for psychoanalysis or psychoanalytic psychotherapy. The goal of the treatment is to understand the inner conflicts, which are preventing people from making the commitment they may want to make. For some, analytical hypnotherapy may help to treat commitment phobia because it taps the root cause of the problem, which helped to create the phobia. If therapy works and you make a sincere effort to change your irrational thought pattern giving rise to commitment phobia you may soon find a dedicated partner whom you want to grow old with. Learning how to fall in love and staying in love till death does part is indeed a fulfilling experience!
| Pallavi Bhattacharya | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
January 27, 2006 in In Focus | Permalink
Enchanting embroidery
Current trends in embroidery are sophisticated with the use of crystals, or natural using coins.
Embroidery is an integral part of fashion and weddings. They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, and anyone who beholds well-done embroidery will find it beautiful. Embroidery helps to give the right look to an outfit. Over the years, be it in the Moghul Era or contemporary times, the look may have changed, but intrinsic designs done with threads and beads are always appreciated.
Current trends in embroidery are sophisticated with the use of crystals, or natural using coins. A plethora of silhouettes has given rise to variations in embroidery.
Get stoned - "Stone embroidery is absolutely 'in vogue' this season, not only on ghaghras, but also in saris and salwar-suits. Stonework can really highlight thread embroidery," said Punit L., chief designer with Mayurkala, Marine Lines, Mumbai.
The stones can be embedded as a centerpiece on necklines or on the back of the blouse. "If budget is not an issue then they can be lined as a hem in dupattas or ghaghras," said Punit.
Bewitching brooches - Another trend setter this season are brooches. They are extensively used on saris and one can have a brooch on the waistband of ghaghras. "These waist bands looks very classy when teamed with stone studded tassels and a brooch as a central piece," said Punit.
Fascinating patchwork - The age old patchwork is chic this bridal season. "Different motifs, when crafted in to asymmetrical shapes can enhance the fabrics to a great extent. This particular style is very popular in chiffon and georgette saris," said Punit.
Scintillating sequins - Though sequin-work may not be in, but in combination with pitta work and thread work it is still very popular. Bright coloured sequins are also in.
Charming coins - Coin work is also a hit as it can give the gypsy look, at the same time, when teamed with beads it can look really sophisticated. Coins some times are given a metallic coloured look to go with the fabric.
Trading on threads - "One of the evergreen types is the Kashmiri embroidery which never goes out of style. This work looks great if pastel thread work is used on soft colours. Thread work when combined with antique work gives an ostentatious look," said Punit.
Get classy with antique - Antique work on a ghaghra-choli is also making a rage. Embroidery embellished with colour stones like rubies and emeralds makes any bridal outfit look rich. "Antique Moghul embroidery can look very classy along with stones. Dull gold also looks beautiful," adds Punit.
How to take care of your wedding outfit
| Swati Shah | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
January 27, 2006 in Fashion | Permalink
Meditation helps in identifying oneself
Meditation is a science that enhances self-understanding, self control.
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Tushar Guha Dr. Tushar Guha, MD Nrityanjali - the Institute of Performing Arts, Personality Development and Management Services, is a practicing Psychologist, Counsellor, Management Trainer and Consultant. Have a question? Click here... |
Every relationship needs understanding and respect. Every relationship has to be nurtured and cherished. Building a relationship and continuing one, needs time and perseverance. But both, time and perseverance will have to be backed by the individual's inner strength and capacity to convey and express.
However, communication is at its best only when one is in full control of self. Self has mind and body and the mind is reflected through the various actions of the individuals. Of utmost importance therefore in any relationship is to be able to identify Self, to be calm, to be true to self. This however, involves a process - the process of Meditation. Meditation is not religion but a science that enhances self-understanding, self control and enables effective inter personal communication and relationships. Let us therefore understand what meditation is.
Meditation is the process of knowing our mind. Through meditation we are away from the mundane activities of life. Our surroundings, outlook, turn broader. We are far more accommodative, understanding and acceptable.
We become calm, disciplined, independent and decisive. The process of crystallisation of thoughts begins. Our concentration, reasoning power improves, attitude becomes optimistic, and behaviour becomes pleasant. We discover a number of qualities, to which even we were strangers - this raises us, in our own self-esteem.
Meditation induces psycho-physical rest, power of refreshment that is in many ways superior to that of sleep. It relaxes the body and mind, increases the capacity to cope with stressful situations.
Requirements for meditation:
- Quiet place
- Comfortable clothing
- Empty one's bladder and bowels
- Morning 15-20 minutes
- Preferably in groups, in initial stages
There are different methods of meditation:
Being with self, being ALONE - lying down and looking at the ceiling, out of the window, long walks alone.
Loving inanimate objects - chairs, tables etc, - being with them, talking to them. It is enjoying the individual existence. These help in calming the mind. Initially, a number of thoughts disturb but gradually calmness sets in. There is total blankness equivalent to a trance. These are all forms of meditation.
Count method
Counts are given and sanskrit slokas sung. This method helps in becoming self-reliant.
Life is full of rhythm - from laughing to cutting vegetables etc. Rhythm, is natural, inborn. Count system has rhythm. It is done in three stages over 16 days.
Stage one
Eyes closed, sit comfortably, inhale for 8 counts and exhale for 8 counts. If one cannot match the breathing with the counts, does not matter - be comfortable. This process continues for 5 minutes, increasing progressively, every day, for 4 days.
Initially, one will have cramps etc and various thoughts. Write down the thoughts every day and read the same. From the 4th day, the discomforts of body and thoughts will diminish. This is the elimination process.
Stage two
From the 5th day, variations in tones are given in counts for another 4 days. The tone is filled with emotional appeal of sorrow, anger, fear etc.
From childhood we receive more don'ts than do's and are filled with more negations. The emotional counts help in emitting the negations.
The process is emptying of our mental blocks, emotional inhibitions. During this period, participants could breakdown, get tensed or physically fall into deep slumber. By the 8th day, one is at ease.
Stage three
Counts are followed by slokas. This process is continued for 6 days and then counts and slokas are stopped. The participants meditate on their own - silently.
The Meditation Slokas are:
Sloka 1 - ( in Sanskrit )
Vritha Vrishti Samudreshu, Vritha Triptasya Bhojanam
Vritha Danam Samarthasya, Vritha Deepo Dewapicha
Bahanti Varshanti Nnadanti Bhanti, Dhayanti Nrityanti Samashyosant
Nadiodhana Mat Gajaha Anantaha Priya Vihinaha, Shikhinaha Prawalgraha.
Interpretation in English:
The sea does not need rain, the well- fed need no food,
The well-to-do need no alms, day needs no light.
Rivers flow, rains pour, separated from their spouse,
The elephants recollect their beautiful moments.
While the peacocks dance, monkeys play,
And the forest glows in its natural glory.
The Philosophy
The objective of life. One must serve with a purpose, where the end justifies the means. Service must be spontaneous like nature and with self-pride and dignity like the elephant.
Sloka 2 ( in Sanskrit )
Sarvamangala Maangalye Shive Sarvathya Sadhike,
Sharanye Trambake Gauri Narayani Namastute.
Srishti Sthiti Vinashanang Shaktibhute Sanatani,
Gunasraye Gunamaye Narayani Namastute
Sharanagata Dinarta Paritrana Parayane,
Sharvasharti Haredevi Narayani Namastute
Interpretation in English:
One who always thinks good of others,
Has purity of mind, is always blessed.
Lord is both the Creator and the destroyer,
But one who is full of virtue and appreciates others, is always blessed.
One who is compassionate to others is always blessed.
The Philosophy
The need of goodness for others even in thought. Implores strength and compassion for the fellow human being. Significance of the words Narayani Namastute:
Namsatute means bowing to God.
Narayan - the Sanskrit word, is explained as Nara + Ayan = Narayan. ie.,Nara meaning human being and Ayan meaning the mirror. In essence it is the reflection of self - the soul. Therefore, bow to one's own SOUL. Every religion in the world equates soul to God. Let us therefore, worship "The God" within me and develop individual strength of mind - clarity, objectivity, determination and understanding. The focus of meditation is self- awareness.
As mentioned earlier, self-awareness is the key to self-happiness. Self-happiness is a two way process of individual joy and joy of relationship.
January 27, 2006 in Expert Advice | Permalink
Tackling extra-marital affairs
Our values and attitudes regarding sexual fidelity within marriage...
How can I analyse him?
Lekshmi asks,
I found a friend on shaadi.com, he is about 10 years elder to me. I'm a divorcee with no kids from my first marriage. The marriage broke up due to the illicit relationship of my ex-husband with a married woman. He married me only for financial stability. Now I find a friend through shaadi.com who is in USA and I'm in U.K. We have not seen each other. But he spoke to me over the phone and described why he divorced his wife, and he confessed that he too had an extra marital affair with a foreigner. He has a kid as well. How do I analyse him?
Dear Lekshmi,
In matters like this it is important not to rush into a commitment. Please obtain the relevant background information first. Would he be willing to give you the names of persons that you could contact and make enquiries from? He comes across as frank to you, but there may be some important areas of his life that he has not really discussed. Ask him questions about his background, socio-economic status, job and other areas, make sure that he is not interested in marrying you for the wrong reasons, as was the case with your ex-husband.
Above all, how does he explain his extra-marital affair? Does he blame his ex-wife? Is he full of rationalisations, or does he express remorse? Do you find him talking flippantly about it or does he come across as someone who sincerely does not wish to indulge in such relationships in future? If he appears casual about fidelity in marriage, and shows no desire to take responsibility for his past affair, then the chances are quite high that he might be inclined to do the same in future, in which case you would not want to proceed with tying the knot with him.
Ideally, you should meet him face-to-face before you give yourself the permission to 'fall in love' with this man. If possible, introduce him to some family members or friends and let them gauge his personality before you enter into any kind of commitment or emotional involvement.
I was cheated in marriage.
Gopal asks,
I am a 41-year-old man, married since 1992. I have adopted a boy when he was only 21 days old in December 2001 with the consent of my wife. The boy lost his biological mother when he was hardly 7 days old and since his father has one more living wife at his native place he offered the baby to us for adoption through some of my relatives. I did all the paper formalities in the court and only after that I saw the baby and took him as my own. He is a very smart and cute boy and is far ahead than children of his age. The problem, which I am facing, is quite strange. After two years of my marriage I found that my wife is almost 13 years older than me. When we got married she was over 40 years of age and I was almost 27-28. I look older than my actual age so I didn't suspect anything wrong at the time of marriage thinking that some people look older than their actual age. When I came to know about this age difference I was shocked and upset. When I spoke to her about this she started crying and told me that its not her but her family members who misguided me. (She has two more sisters one elder and one younger) and they are unmarried till date. One can say that I was tricked into the marriage. Now she is more then 53 years of age and has reached her menopause. Some time she even mistreats the child and I am not having any kind of physical relationship with her. We hardly talk (I don't feel like) except on urgent family matters. I don't feel like going out with her and do not love her or feel her need in my life. But I do care about her and try to see that otherwise she is comfortable. For the last 6 months I am getting attracted to an office colleague (a divorcee) and we share good rapport.
She along with two more families and our family went for holidays in December last and there I started thinking about her. She is also interested in me and we had physical relations also. Now we meet everyday and feel that we cannot live apart. She also knows all of my problems and past life and enjoys the company of my son also. Now I want to stay with her with my child. I told my wife that I don't want to continue with her and requested her for mutual divorce, but she refused (she doesn't know that I have some one in my life, but she suspects). She says that now its too late and she wont let me go, and if I leave her she will go to some place and no one will be able to find her, and even threatens to kill herself. Please advise.
Dear Gopal,
This is really a complicated issue and involves the happiness of many persons-your wife, girlfriend, the three families, and very importantly-your son. As I see it, you will need to get in touch with some of the following persons:
A Clinical Psychologist/Marriage Counsellor. It would be a good idea to discuss how you should go about the process of divorcing your wife in a way that minimises the pain and anguish that usually accompanies such events. You need to discuss the future of your son and how to prepare him for the vast-and upsetting changes-that he will have to undergo as a consequence of the divorce and your subsequent marriage to your girlfriend.
A lawyer. This is very essential for the process of deciding upon several issues, some of which are: Who gets custody of your son (your wife may decide to contest your claim), visiting rights, financial settlements regarding your wife and son, and so on.
An adoption agency. Your son will experience the trauma of seeing his parents going through divorce. Although he is only 3-4 years old, it can affect him adversely. Given the fact that in the best of circumstances divorce can make a child feel rejected and abandoned, it is very important that this matter be dealt with even more sensitively in the case of an adopted child.
Ideally, after age three or four, we need to start the process of telling a child that he is adopted. This should be done in doses, with the help of stories, and not as a one-shot event. This is a delicate process, which may take place over a period of months, with the child asking questions from time to time. When children are informed early about the adoption they accept the news more calmly and easily than when they are told at a later age or when they rudely come to hear about it from someone else. A social worker or psychologist attached to the adoption agency would probably guide you regarding this. You will also have to prepare your child for the changes that come with marriage to your girlfriend. In addition, your girlfriend needs to think about and work on her relationship with your son. Unless your wife relinquishes her rights as an adoptive parent, your friend will not be able to enjoy the status of adoptive mother. Incidentally, she too must know and understand what she is getting herself into if and when she marries you. All these matters need to be thoroughly gone into before you start legal proceedings for divorce.
Had physical relationship with a married woman.
Maas Mukherjee asks,
I am a 25-year-old boy who was recently engaged in physical relationship with a girl, 5 years older than me. She is married with a child. But her husband is very busy in work. Was this right?
Dear Maas,
As I understand it: 1) this girl is five years older than you, is married and a mother; 2) you do not have a deep emotional relationship with her; 3) she lacks a close relationship with her husband who, being busy, does not much engage in physical relations with her.
The physical relationship you have with this girl fulfills her sexual needs and yours. This relationship centers on the desire for sex, does not involve emotional needs, and entails cheating her husband. Given that your friend does not enjoy a good marriage, these extra-marital pursuits would only complicate matters further and result in making a bad marriage worse. Ideally, she should be addressing these problems rather than escaping from them. She should discuss these matters with her husband and if he fails to understand or shows no desire to change, she could consult a marriage counsellor who would guide her, and/or both of them, so that they improve their relationship.
If you really wish to help this friend of yours to save her marriage, you should refuse to have physical relations with her. What happens if and when her husband finds out? It may then be too late to save the marriage. Since you are not emotionally involved with this girl, would you not eventually move on to other girlfriends or get married? What happens then to your friend? Have you both thought about the pain and anguish that might result? Incidentally, what if one or both of you begin to feel an emotional attachment? Might it not then lead to her wanting to break up her marriage? Also, relationships like this have to be kept clandestine. This involves meeting secretly, making sure you two do not get 'caught,' and so on. Is that what you two really want? The decisions you make will depend upon, and reflect, the values you hold-values such as fidelity in marriage, honesty and openness, integrity versus living a lie-for instance, if she pretends to be happy in her marriage. I suggest that you give a serious thought to the implications of continuing in this relationship.
Why do people get into extra-marital affairs?
Chandradeo asks,
What are the reasons why people get into extra-marital affairs?
Dear Chandradeo,
Ah, the age-old and million-dollar question, the response to which would fill the pages of a big, fat book! If you really wish to have the answer to that one, I suggest you check out the book stores. Look up books-there are plenty of good ones in the market- written by psychologists, especially those with vast experience in marriage or family counselling.
Some of the common and general reasons for extra-marital relations are: Our values and attitudes regarding sexual fidelity within marriage, the human tendency to fall from grace and violate such values, straying from a not-so-good marriage, cultural 'nods' to extra-marital excursions, subscribing to the view that 'variety is the spice of life' and then going on to assert erroneously that the plural of spouse is spice!
January 27, 2006 in Expert Opinion | Permalink
January 19, 2006
Tanushree Dutta
As sweet as Chocolate
Coming from a small town like Jamshedpur, Tanushree Dutta's journey from the Miss India pageant to being the most promising new comer in tinsel town is fascinating.
You first saw her impressive dance moves in the video 'Saiyyan Dil Main Aana Re' and now she's made her film debut with Aashiq Banaya Aapne. Her next film Chocolate with bigwigs like Anil Kapoor, Suniel Shetty is already drawing media attention for its unique storyline and amazing picturisation.
In a free wheeling conversation, the dusky beauty talks about things that are close to her heart:
Childhood fantasies:
I always wanted to be a model right since my childhood. I loved to dress up and be glamorous but acting never crossed my mind. However, I always thought about becoming a Miss India. It was my dream.
Coming from a small town like Jamshedpur, I had a completely different background and winning the pageant for me was a dream come true. After that I did a lot of modelling assignments too, and then offers started pouring in.
When I became Miss India, Bollywood seemed to be the next step. Firstly because, being Miss India for one year you are under the limelight and cameras flash at you all the time. So, you want to get more of it.
Secondly, I have always been inclined towards performing arts. Films were the right platform to showcase my talent.
Chocolate musings:
Offers started pouring in right from the time I took part in the Miss Universe pageant, but I waited for a good script to come my way. I also had other commitments, which did not allow me to sign on films then.
When I heard the narration for Chocolate, I found the role interesting as it had different shades all woven together, just like a bar of chocolate - bitter and sweet. So, in a way it was a tailor-made role for me. The film also has a brilliant look and feel, design and music. I have a very pivotal role in the film. Since it's a thriller, I can't divulge much.
My career is just taking off so I'm ready to try out everything including regional films. I would prefer to do Bengali and South Indian films because my mother-tongue is Bangla and the Bengali film industry is opening up to Bollywood actors.
Star-struck:
At first, I was really intimidated to be amongst such big stars as Anil Kapoor and Suniel Shetty. When the shooting of the film began I was so star struck. I had my own apprehensions that how would I perform in the presence of such immensely popular stars. It was very scary. But then everybody was very supportive and guided me like a newcomer. I had so much to learn.
Bong beauties in Bollywood:
I won't totally agree that Bollywood has an affinity for Bengali actresses as we have actresses from other states as well.
I do feel that the east was very conservative initially and so people did not take up acting as a full-fledged career. But of late it's opening up. Moreover, Bengalis have typical Indian features. Besides that Bong children grow up on music and dancing. Every kid is encouraged to participate in some form of Performing Arts. Even I had joined the Tagore Society when I was small and learned dance and music.
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Mumbai matinee:
Mumbai is a great place for working professionals. It's full of opportunities. I must say that the city has welcomed me warmly.
Being a single girl I wouldn't say that I didn't have any problems at all. But Mumbai is safer than most cities in India for single women.
Time-out:
I am a very lazy person. So I just wait to get some free time. Holidays are rest days for me, I get up late and laze around the whole day. A long ritualistic bath is another thing I love to indulge in on off days.
I am very fond of cooking and if I'm free I love to cook a meal for my family and me. I like to try out new recipes. Also, if it's my day-off then I love to take an afternoon nap. I'm a very private person and would rather stay at home than party.
Marriage is beautiful:
I totally believe in marriage and intend to get married one day. Marriage is a beautiful bond. Right now I am just 20 so I better wait for some more time as it would be criminal to get married right now with so much work on hand. A successful marriage needs time and commitment. So, as of now, I'll wait for the right time and also the right man to come along.
Dream man:
I'm still figuring that out. But I do know that he should be a thorough professional who is focused about work and knows what he wants to achieve in life. Besides, he should let me be myself. He should also be understanding because love is all about sharing, accepting mistakes and seeing it through all.
Compatibility quotient:
Compatibility is the most important factor, you should get along well, otherwise it would be an unstable relationship. Then there should be that little chemistry that gives you a kick and keeps the sparks flying. Besides that faith, tolerance, patience are other factors that are key components of a relationship. I believe a healthy relationship consists of a little bit of everything from both the partners.
Family comes first:
I'm a simple homely girl and I've always stuck to my family values and my family is very important to me. We are a close-knit family and my parents and my sister are equally involved in my work.
I would never opt for a live-in relationship. Firstly, because it would affect my family and secondly because it takes the charm away from a relationship. You know the person so well that you would end up killing your relationship afterwards. I think its o.k. for people who don't intend to get married.
Footnote:
I want to be known as a complete performer. Right now work is top priority and I want to have a steady career graph, only then would I be able to think about other things. I also hope that I earn respect and people love my work.
| Avantika Bahuguna | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
January 19, 2006 in Celebrity Talk | Permalink
Culture conflicts
Understanding the Hindustani in America
As American-Indians born and raised outside India, the hyphenation of our identities parallels our perils growing up: where do we fit in? This question becomes more and more pertinent as we round "marriage-age" by Indian standards - between the ages of 18 to death. We are first generation Americans. We have grown up in a culture that does not glamorize love in the same manner Indian society does.
Rather than fixating on meeting the guy of our dreams, Indian-American girls focus on the marriage: how positive will it be? How many arguments? Will I be able to pursue my goals, my dreams? Hindi film after Hindi film churns out the standard romance: Hero meets heroine, they cannot get married because of one of the ten generic reasons, miracles fall out of the sky, they run through trees and hills singing, they get married and live happily ever after. The story ends there in India. In America, the story is just beginning.
Happily divorced
In India compatibility is reduced to common culture, and an astrological sign. In America, compatibility is thought of as a meeting of minds, and lifestyles. Astrological signs have very little bearing on a lasting relationship in America. Similarly, while divorce is a word muttered in shame in India, in America it is bold and very real. Indians scoff at the American divorce rate without realizing the culture requires happiness in marriage and thus when not happy, Americans divorce. Happiness is not a requisite of Indian marriages.
Dating disasters
Indian-American kids are haplessly thrown into the dating arena, for various reasons. Primarily, their Indian parents are largely disapproving of the entire concept of dating. It seems unnecessary to a culture initially hell-bent on arranged marriages; a barbaric practice by Western standards. Secondarily, Indian-American kids are very often left example-less: of both decent dating practices, and exemplary marriages. Often the strain of living away from the family, and any familiar surroundings strain marriages in America to the point of no-return; yet the stringent no-divorce policy and the primal shame tied of divorce keeps unhappy parents together leaving their children with little idea of a functional marriage. Thus Indian-American kids-- filled with fantasies of love and romance given to them by both their cultures-- struggle forward in the dating world.
Wrecking wrath
As young adults mature in America, the daunting fear of disapproving parents drives teenagers into lying and attempting to escape parental watch. A lack of communication between generations concerning dating, relationships, and sex create a huge rift that is never truly healed. Some Indian-Americans roam haplessly from one forlorn relationship to the next looking for their Shah Rukh Khan or Rani Mukherji, unaware of the realities of life, love and marriage.
Growing up, Indian-American children are taught not to ask questions, or wonder about things such as 'falling-in-love' because such things are not common practice for the parents who raised them. Familial problems concerning all these issues are tucked under an invisible cloak that surrounds the family as they put on their everyday happy smiles to face the world. The fear of neighborhood gossip is an unbelievable force, paralyzing parents from speaking openly with their children.
Of course, there are always exceptions to every generality-but few of us are exposed to such exceptions because they are the taboo few. Conservative views always vary in degree and expression between families, but the fundamental beliefs of the culture narrowly bind people together.
Ground reality
On this already tumultuous scene enters an aging first-generation: the now thirty and twenty-somethings in and out of American colleges gaining American versions of independence. Basic Indian structure, like living at home, is largely scoffed or met with disappointment as more Indian-American children strain against the rivaling forces of expectation and desire. So, how, now, does this generation approach love and marriage with any sense of reality? Fundamentally, it always comes down to the individual; however, as we all know: you marry the family. With this in mind, it's an indisputable fact that such divisions in culture and experience will have to be broached, whether by force or compromise.
Confusions
Bouncing from Indian girlfriend to the next, I get the same answers: "I can't tell my parents," "I really like (insert name here) but I don't really know why, besides, my mom would never like him," "No, (insert name here) and I just broke up, we didn't have a lot in common, and his mom told him to wait before a serious relationship," "Well, I'm not sure what I want, but I know I want to marry an Indian guy, besides, I have to marry an Indian guy." And then as though reflecting on what they have just said many will add, in defense, "But they don't care about caste."
In these responses a number of thoughts and realizations are formulated: Why is it so difficult to approach our parents with such important, central issues in our lives? Why is it more important the family approve before our own hearts? Why do others dictate our relationships? Why do we feel we have to marry a certain type of person?
Ultimate understanding
Like thousands of other Indian girls, I am a product of a dismal arranged marriage, and have been faced with all those previous situations: What will my father say? What will he do? Why won't he try and understand me? Ultimately, we are forced with one decision-what is more important to us: our happiness or family approval? It is in my opinion that faced with reality, any Indian family is willing to compromise to the point of acceptance, and if they are not, chances are you are not part of the family very much to begin with.
Further, in an ever-changing world, even most Indian mothers are willing to agree they'd rather see their sons and daughters (though, of course, approval for daughters is harder to come by) safe and happy than carted off into a sad marriage (as they often were). The real difficulty is convincing Indian-American parents that India has grown and changed since they have left and become more accepting of that which their own children are forcing upon them: choice.
To the naked eye Western girls are considered the most liberal; however, that is wholly an untruth. Western girls, raised by parents that left India in the late sixties, early seventies, or even earlier in some cases, are raised with the morals and traditions that were liberal in their respective generation. Their idea of India and her role in the modern world is outdated and static. Aunts, uncles and cousins "back home" often tell of the latest gossip and fashions and trends that belie a much more modern India than our parents know.
All these facts line up in support of Indian-American kids and their individual quests of love, acceptance, and happiness. Thus, in closing, if one were to follow his or her heart, it is my belief that the pieces will fall into place. The most central part is overcoming the first disapproving reactions and fighting the urge to succumb in the name of shanti, as generations of women before us did. It is your life, after all, and we only live this life once.
Reassuring remembrances
At least once every month I come home from college to call India and talk to my dying grandmother. A strong, powerful woman who raised three daughters in the aftermath of the Partition, a time wrought with racism, hatred and fear, she understands that I am different from any of her other five granddaughters, and her only grandchild across the ocean. She encourages me to stand on my own two feet, to work for a living, to not be bullied by anybody into giving up my dreams.
I listen intently as she whispers, "I know you're a Hindustani, but we both know you aren't genuinely a Hindustani at all, so you must study hard and work." I reassure her that I will, in fact, make it on my own as my parent's only child, and she feels safe. However, as our conversations draw to a close, she can't help herself. She always closes, "Remember to work hard, remember to study, and then marry a wonderful Gujarati man and be an excellent wife and mother, you understand, right?" And I always answer, "Ha, I understand."
| Sonam Shah | Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
January 19, 2006 in In Focus | Permalink
Sparklers!
Check out the latest in bridal jewellery
Your bridal trousseau is incomplete without the right jewellery. So, what's in this season - gold or diamonds, contemporary styles or traditional motifs? Well that depends on the occasion.
If it's your wedding day, it is best to flaunt the traditional gold jewellery with elaborate jadau motifs. Traditional diamond jewellery set in gold is another option, which is a popular choice.
The reception and cocktail party, mehendi night or may be the sangeet, calls for classic and contemporary jewellery in coloured gemstones or diamonds. Long earrings, big rings and bracelets would be perfect for your cocktail party teamed with an intricate diamond necklace.
So, with the wedding season round the corner, Shaaditimes checks out what's hot on the shelves:
| Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes |
January 19, 2006 in Fashion | Permalink
Exciting first date tips
Impressing on the first date, getting married, & then being miserable for rest of REAL lives defeats the whole purpose.
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Ruby K Bhatia is a grooming expert and conducts seminars on Personality Development throughout India. She covers topics like self-confidence, public speaking, grooming and manners. Have a question? Click here... |
Impress your date
Prads asks,
I'm a 26-year-old girl who is planning to go for a first date with a 29 old boy. We both are professionally and emotionally mature. I work for India's leading company on an executive grade. He also holds a good position in his profession. He has chosen me after rejecting many girls, as my profile is relatively impressive. For me he was my first crush in school days, as he was always in the limelight and very talented. He was 3 years senior to me. I never expected that he'd be the chosen match for me by my parents. I'm very happy, because I've never felt so satisfied seeing any match till now. But getting nervous too for my first date, as I have no knowledge about dating. Kindly guide me what things should I talk and where should we go and how should I groom myself because I'm inexperienced in this. I wear blazers and trousers as my office wear and I can wear suits too.
Dear Prads,
Wow! This sounds exciting. (A little too exciting for you, I can understand). Okay, so first of all, let's not get over-excited. Secondly, all of you out there (guys AND girls, but especially girls) need to understand that it is not about "impressing" the date. You have to be yourself totally, and then see if it clicks. Impressing on the first date, getting married, and then being miserable for the rest of your REAL lives defeats the whole purpose. Be comfortable with who you are NOW and where you are NOW, because you can't possibly be anywhere else. Alright, let's get more specific. I think you should wear what he sees you in most of the time. He obviously knows you well enough by now. Just make sure you wax your armpits, use a deo (FA is the only effective one that I can find). Spray the deo in the ARMPITS, not on your clothes. I think that's all that matters. I am sure you already know how to groom yourself otherwise, as you have a high-profile job. So just take care of the scent (most Indian women miss out on this) and you'll be fine. Wear clothes that you feel really good in, because if you feel good, you will bring out the best in yourself and in him. And guys don't remember clothing details anyway. They just remember the shine in your face, the sparkle in your eyes, the gleam in your smile and THE WAY YOU MADE THEM FEEL. So just be totally alive and 100% there, without worrying about the future. Have fun and see what happens.
Express better
Moon asks,
Please give me tips and ways through which I can express my point of view publicly, I can speak better as whenever I start to speak inspite of sufficient knowledge I fail to express better. Your advice will highly be appreciated.
Dear Moon,
Dear, you need to read English books, as your language needs improvement. Read English books out loud for an hour everyday. How can your spoken English not improve?? Everything requires work, so get out there and get started!!
Build up a relationship
Ravindra asks,
I'm a Sri Lankan. But, I like India. I want to make a relationship with an Indian family. How can I build up a relationship?
Dear Ravindra,
Depends what kind of relationship. Just to make friends, you can probably check on the net and try to become "e-pen-pals" with somebody. Or then, join an international organization in your area that has branches here. For example, if you join a spiritual group that means a lot to you, you can come to India and go to those meetings here. That way, there is a common bond, and you can meet people with common interests when you come here. Even taking up an interest like yoga, and then coming here and joining a yoga class, will help open up friendship opportunities for you. "Find purpose, and the means will follow."
Armpit odour
Simran asks,
I sweat a lot on my armpits and that gives out bad odour, which is very embarrassing for me. Please suggest what do I do?
Dear Simran,
Couple of things. First, watch your diet. If you are eating a lot of heaty things (like red meats), pungent things (like garlic and onion), or very spicy things...then all these smells will come out in your body odour. Try to make your diet as simple, bland and naturally sweet as possible. Another thing you can do is drink methi tea. "The unpleasant odours emanate from body openings due to accumulations of hardened mucus and other toxic substances.... The fenugreek tea, taken regularly, will help remove these accumulations from such spots where mouthwash and soap can never penetrate. ("Foods That Heal", H.K. Bakhru) And finally, make sure you a) remove hair, b) use apricot scrub to remove bacteria, and c) use a deo (Not antiperspirant, that is dangerous).
Take husband's name
Sarah asks,
Is it mandatory for a woman to take her husband's last name? What is your opinion?
Dear Sarah,
NOT AT ALL! In fact, I think men ought to start taking our name now! Anyway, feminist stance aside, it is quite acceptable to retain your original name. Now whether or not it is acceptable to your man, that's another question. And if it is not acceptable to him, then whether or not HE is acceptable to you is the next question!
Ruby K Bhatia will answer your queries. Ask now!
January 19, 2006 in Expert Advice | Permalink
Desertion, remarriage and more
You may file for divorce under the grounds of desertion to the place of the jurisdiction at the place where you reside.
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Siddhartha Shah A practicing advocate of Mumbai High Court. He specialises in Civil, Criminal, International and Matrimonial Laws. He opines on Indian Laws and the Legal System. Have a question? Click here... |
Re-marry without a clear marital status
G. Sunder Rajan asks,
I am married but separated with 2 kids looking out for a bride. Can I get married to a girl of Indian origin residing in USA/Canada, as legally we are not divorced but staying apart since March 2002? I am employed in the Gulf and planning to migrate to another country. I have fulfilled all my responsibilities to my ex-wife and children. Can you guide me in this regard?
Dear G Sunder Rajan,
As regards your query, firstly to get married the second time you need to have a clear marital status of your present existing marriage. You could file your papers before the Hon'ble Matrimonial forum at the jurisdiction of the place where you reside or where you have got your marriage registered in India and petition for obtaining a valid divorce on the grounds of desertion. Only after obtaining a clear courts order of divorce, you are legally entitled to get married to your proposed spouse and you can definitely marry a girl of Indian origin residing in USA or Canada but only after above mentioned legal compliances.
Divorce on grounds of desertion
Nice Guy asks,
I am living in Dubai and married for 4 years. I have a son 2-1/2 years old. My wife and me went to India where she went to visit her parents and she refused to return to Dubai. She does this every time we visit India. I have tried to explain to her many times that I cannot come and stay with her as I do not have any other source of income except my job in Dubai. But she is adamant and her parents and others are supporting her. She is blackmailing me because she has my son. Now I have decided to divorce her. Is there a possibility to get my son back from her? Also just to let you know that my father-in-law is a police officer. He is always threatening my family and me with dire consequences if I divorce her.
Dear Mr. Nice Guy,
You can definitely avail a legal recourse with regards the problem, which you are facing. You have an option to file your papers for divorce under the grounds of desertion to the place of the jurisdiction of your marriage in India or at the place where you reside in India. You have this legal recourse available to you and one thing you need to keep in mind is that if you are right and correct in your stand then you need not worry about any external threats from any person or any authority or any forum. Law will take its own course. Secondly with regards the custody of your child you will have to make application under the guardians and wards act or else take out an application in the divorce petition, which you propose to file. It will be the court's decision only after weighing the evidence as required, for the court to decide and take a final view on the issue of your child custody.
Troublesome
Rams asks,
My wife and I are from different states. We have been married for 6 yrs, but we hardly stayed together for less than 3 yrs. I work in a different country. She used to quarrel with me for every single reason. It happened in the country where I am living now also. I tried many ways to control her but failed. Her parents were also the same. Instead of making her understand they used to support her and used to behave with me the same. Whenever she stayed with her parents, they used to demand for things. I gave them around 3 lakhs, jewellery, electronic goods, etc., but still they insulted me in front of everybody.
I lost my patience (after 6 yrs) when she and her parents created a big nuisance when they came to my house and which ultimately made me attempt suicide. She left me with her parents then after taking our child. When I come out of hospital I filed for divorce last year. Then after they requested for transfer of state as our states and the court gave the ruling in their favour. Now the case is in Mumbai court.
Now my friends and relatives are advising me to re-marry. I am hesitating to do that as I live in another country. I want to get rid of this problem first.
Can you please advice how to get out of this trouble?
Dear Rams,
Firstly you could definitely avail a legal recourse with regards your marital problem. You need to maintain your mental balance and need to keep your cool. What I understand from the limited information narrated by you is that you have already initiated legal action to obtain divorce from your wife. You need not take any adverse steps and play with your life instead you could systematically and legally obtain divorce from your wife. You will have to follow up your case properly with your lawyer from time to time. As regards to marrying another girl for second time, it can only be possible after you obtain a clear and lawful divorce via decree or an order of the Hon'ble matrimonial court. Therefore in my opinion you need to concentrate in your pending case and comply the procedures for obtaining valid legal divorce enabling you to get married for the second time.
How long will it take to get a divorce?
Anna asks,
I want to get married to a divorcee, who has already filed his case for divorce by mutual consent. A six months period is been given. The court has given a particular date for the decree to be given. Will the court pass the decree on the same date as told? Or can it be delayed?
Dear Anna,
Since the petition is filed is by mutual Consent as stated by you, it would be heard only after 6 months after filing the said petition. Generally it takes between two to four hearings after the matter is listed for hearing. Since the petition of divorce is filed by mutual consent usually there are less chances of further delay in passing the final decree of divorce.
Siddhartha Shah will answer your queries. Ask now!
January 19, 2006 in Expert Opinion | Permalink
