Fropper.com - The Lounge: In Focus

November 25, 2008

Make Your Next Trip A Camping Adventure

Make Your Next Trip A Camping Adventure A camping holiday is the perfect getaway, which allows you to bond with your family.

Make Your Next Trip A Camping Adventure Picture this scenery: brilliant moonlight washing down on you and the stars twinkling brightly in the sky. The mellow flicker of campfires soothing you and the enticing scent of hot chocolate tickling your senses. The happy cries of your kids as they indulge in activities which they are otherwise not allowed. Yes, all this and more is what a camping trip is all about!

A camping holiday is the perfect getaway, which allows you to bond with your family while having the time of your life.

Planning A Camping Trip

Here's what you need to know when planning an exciting camping adventure:

Location: The location is perhaps the most important decision about this kind of trip. The first thing you need to decide is how far you want to go. Do you want to be within few hours from your home or do you want to go further for an extended holiday. Once you decide that, you have to make a shortlist of the camping grounds available to you. Great camping regions in India include Rajasthan, Rishikesh, Kerala, Himachal Pradesh, and Uttaranchal.

Specific camp sites in these regions are the hilly areas of Garhwal and Kumaon, sand dunes in Rajasthan, the backwaters of Kerala, Jim Corbett National Park, Chilla, Kaudilya, and Jaipur Pushkar.
Camping gear: If you leave something behind, you will have to do without it. The essential items that you have to pack include camping tent, sleeping bags, utensils for cooking, lantern, match boxes, toilet paper, folding chairs, torch, extra batteries, mosquito repellents to name a few.

Other than these essential items, you also have to make sure that your personal camping gear is in order. This includes - outdoor camping clothes, inner clothes (always carry a few extra pairs), comfortable pair of shoes, extra socks, sun glasses, and your personal toiletries. If space permits, you can also carry your ipods, a few board games, and a deck of cards. Although there will be plenty of activities to occupy you at a camping trip, it never hurts to have these items along too.
Camping activities: The usual activities that people enjoy during their camping adventures are trekking, white water rafting, swimming, fishing, kayaking, hiking, canoeing, cycling etc. However, not all camp sites offer all these activities. Thus, before you choose your camp site, you should send out for their brochures so that you can see what activities they provide you and then make your choice accordingly.

During The Camping Trip

If your camping adventure includes children, there are some precautions that you need to take to ensure that your children are safe. Here are some things to keep in mind:

If you do not know the camp site or if you're going to an unexplored one, it is best to hire a guide to show you around for the first few days at least.
Always keep your toddlers or younger children within eyesight. Older kids can be allowed to have some freedom, but they should always be within hearing distance. You should also earmark a location where children should go to in case they get lost or are distanced from the group. Give each child a whistle which they can use to call for help if required.
Dress the children in layers as it can get cold very fast at camping sites, especially if they are at high altitudes. If it is not so cold, they can simply remove the outer layers of clothing.
Dispose off all waste properly in dustbins and other allocated spots and also teach your children to do the same.

With a little respect for the outdoors and a great sense of adventure, you can ensure that your camping trip turns out to be the vacation of a lifetime.

Kavita Harlalka

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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November 25, 2008 in In Focus | Permalink

November 13, 2008

Stand Up For Child Rights

Stand Up For Child Rights Come forth and support a cause - stand up for what is right.

Stand Up For Child Rights Imagine a country. Call it India, if you will. Yesterday, 10,000 Indians died from entirely preventable causes.

As many died the day before.

And the previous day.

And so on as long as anyone can remember. What do you think might happen in this imaginary land? Would the situation be declared a national calamity? Would high-powered committees work late into the night thinking up strategies to deal with the crisis? Would the media be covering any other news?

Yet 10,000 children die every single day in India. More than in any tsunami, flood, earthquake, famine or war. Reports released in the past few months reveal that:

46% of children in India are underweight, 38% stunted and 19% wasted... their fate decided even before they turn three. [National Family Health Survey, 2007]
53% children in India reported having faced one or more forms of sexual abuse. [Ministry of Women and Child Development, 2007]
There are 17 million child laborers in India. [Government of India Census, 2001]
180 out of 581 districts in India have seen primary school enrolments fall. [DISE, compiled by NUEPA]
88,000 schools (nearly 8%) in India still do not have a blackboard in their classes. [2007 Survey by HRD Ministry, UNICEF and NEUPA]

These statistics are shocking, especially in the light of recent GDP growth. The reality of India 60 years after independence is that millions of children have their very survival threatened on a daily basis - malnutrition, illiteracy, child labor, preventable diseases, abuse and exploitation. We all know that children do not live in isolation - they belong to families, communities and society at large. They are always the most vulnerable victims of any situation, be it poverty, natural and man-made disasters, displacement, social biases and prejudices

Why are we so easily able to ignore this crisis engulfing our children? Is it because they are children? Or because we don't believe their situation can really change? Or because they can't vote? Or because we weren't really serious when we promised them their rights - to survival, development, protection and participation?

Yes - these rights were promised to our children in 1947 and enshrined in the Indian Constitution. And reiterated in 1992 when India signed the United Nations Convention for the Rights of Children.

The persistence of these problems, their scale and severity call for more than philanthropic responses. At CRY America, we've learned that permanent change is possible only when children, their parents and communities are informed about their rights and engage with their local government bodies to address the root causes of their problems. Based on this, we've evolved our philosophy of community mobilization. We believe that the 'child rights' approach is the most effective way to ensure sustainable change, increase awareness and enlist greater support for children, as opposed to the 'relief' approach which treats children as objects of sympathy.

CRY America and CRY have witnessed this approach work in thousands of rural, tribal and slum communities across India. In just over 4 years, CRY America has transformed the lives of more than 80,000 children by supporting 16 not-for-profit organizations in India and the US. Thanks to the organization's emphasis on child rights, families now have viable livelihoods, State schools and health centers are functioning and girls, whose very existence was threatened by infanticide and neglect, have now become the flag bearers of their communities. This has been achieved by building awareness about child rights, establishing their linkage to the urgent issues of livelihood that bedevil parents and mobilizing whole communities to overcome their many differences in the interests of their children.

Everything that has been achieved thus far has been made possible because of the committed support of hundreds of committed volunteers across 22 US cities and thousands of donors across the USA who believed that "Change is possible, because I'll make it possible."

So we know it's possible. But if this transformation has to go beyond a few thousand communities, then we need to do more. In fact, we have a historic opportunity to do much more. To use our new-found economic success to build a future that is not just prosperous for a few, but secure for all children.

But doing so on any significant scale will require at least 4 things to happen:

First, we must start seeing children as citizens with rights as inviolate as our own, rather than objects of charity.
Second, their interests must become the centerpiece and touchstone of policy, be it at the level of the State, the organizations we work in, even within our neighborhoods and families. Their well-being must become the standard by which we measure our success.
Third, those policies and the everyday choices we make, must seek to address the root causes of children's problems not just their superficial symptoms.
Finally, we must all - as parents, teachers, investors, neighbors, businesspersons, lawyers, consumers, activists, students, judges, administrators, journalists and politicians alike - overcome our apathy, cynicism and sheer inertia and reconfigure our priorities to put children first.

Do visit our website www.america.cry.org to know more or e-mail me at shefali.sunderlal@cryamerica.org if you have any questions or comments on child rights.

Please stand up for what is right - stand up for child rights.

Shefali Sunderlal,
President, CRY America

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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November 07, 2008

The Art Of Hospitality - Part 2

The Art Of Hospitality - Part 2 When both partners entertain their guests together, the outcome is a far better party or home stay.

The Art Of Hospitality - Part 2 When both partners entertain their guests together, the outcome is a far better party or home stay than one of them doing it alone. Plus, they come across as the perfect host team.

We love inviting our friends or relatives to spend time with us. But their demands, however subtly made, can take a toll on us. Social conditioning forces us to please our guests, even if that calls for bending backwards. Guests, especially houseguests, often bring out an odd love/hate emotion that we aren't even consciously aware of.

A couple who is hosting a party or entertaining out of town houseguests are like a host team at a sports event. The key is team spirit. The host team will be participating in the event, with the added responsibility of taking caring of all the visiting teams. Showing them around, making sure they have a comfortable stay and giving them a good impression of your hometown. Being the hosts isn't easy, but team spirit keeps their enthusiasm on.

"They aren't my guests. You invited them."

"But they are your relatives!"

Sounds familiar? Tempted to sneak out on the pretext of "some important business" or shirk your responsibility by faking a headache just before their arrival? Well, give a thought to the resentment that will eventually build within your spouse who is doing it all alone. Your spouse may think it's a nice gesture to welcome the new neighbours by inviting them to dinner or to have both your families over to celebrate festivals together. If you are not the kind to socialise and prefer to keep it low key, try and discuss it. A compromise can be arrived at by inviting the neighbours for a quick tea and the families for just important festivals rather than them all. Out of town relatives are bound to visit you at some point. And who knows, you might want to be their houseguests when you are in their city!

Besides, your relationship will only strengthen if you entertain together as a couple. Dealing with fussy houseguests together as a team, you're more likely to soothe each other's nerves during a moment of chaos and let the party flow smoothly. You will learn how one is better at organizing and cleaning while the other is best left in charge of the food, drinks and ambience. One tackles the people issues, like making conversation and the other tackles material issues, like keeping an eye on the caterers or constant checks on the washrooms. If you have houseguests, work up a strategy where each one of you knows your domain.

Host Team Rules:

Always check before inviting: Expect your spouse to pitch in the work while entertaining? Then it's only fair to ask him / her before inviting guests. If family members call to inform they are visiting, notify your spouse as soon as you know.
It's not about your guests and my guests: Whether they are your relatives and friends or those of your spouse, your willingness to do your part should not be affected. The degree of your enthusiasm will naturally vary by your own individual relationship with the guests and how you yourself get along with them. But try to stop that from being a dampener in case you're not too fond of them. Your spouse's aunt might very well be the most cynical person alive, but if he's fond of her and invites her over, put up with a smile.
Split the work and assign it according to each one's personality: Make a list of to-dos (cleaning, making the guest bedroom, bathroom checks, etc). And make a separate list of to-buys (include toiletries, groceries, fresh flowers, a city map and transit timetable). Now, let the more organised one take care of the cleaning to-dos and let the outdoorsy one go out to purchase all the necessities.
Workloads can vary between team members: Some couples just fall into a pattern about who does what after hosting a few parties or their first houseguest. Others need more substantial planning to decide roles in the team. Whatever the style, remember it's alright to have one person doing more or less, so long as both are satisfied with the arrangement. Each couple has different circumstances and personalities.
Success is based on flexibility: Knowing you can rely on each other to do the extra bit is a burden off the shoulders by itself. Being flexible and switching roles when necessary is the key to being the perfect host team.

Click here to view the Intimacy Special

Aarti Thadani

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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November 7, 2008 in In Focus | Permalink

October 16, 2008

Is Lying Always Bad?

Is Lying Always Bad? Intimate relationships do demand honesty from both the partners, that may even tear a couple apart.

Is Lying Always Bad? All of us have certain ideas about what is 'right' in life and what is 'wrong'. When it comes to the topic of lying, most of us would probably say that lying is the bad thing to do and speaking the truth is what's right. After all, the truth helps to keep things simple whereas one lie often leads to another, making situations too complex.

However, to borrow a phrase from Oscar Wilde, ''The truth is rarely pure and never simple.''

Does that mean that if the truth is not simple, it is ok to resort to lying? Can there sometimes be a good cause for lying in a relationship? Can relationships actually benefit from lying or do all lies ruin a relationship eventually?

Let's see if we can try and figure out the answers to these questions.

Suchit and Sunita are in a relationship since the past 2 years. When asked if there was place for lying in a relationship, this is what Suchit had to say, ''Sometimes, women can ask us questions to which there are no easy answers. If we told them the outright truth in response to their questions, chances are that they would be extremely hurt. In fact, many times I feel that Sunita is asking me a question to which she probably knows the answer but is silently imploring me to lie to her!''

A classic example of such a questions is, ''How many women have you dated (or been with) before me?''

Now if a man has not really been in a relationship with too many women before his current one, he can tell his woman the truth. However, if he has several notches on his bed-post, then he'd probably not want to tell his girlfriend the truth; not because he wants to lie to her but only because he wants to avoid hurting her.

This is how men rationalize their lying, ''There's nothing to gain from telling the pure truth here. So, if I just told a little white lie so that my woman can be saved some heartache, is that really so bad?''

Frankly, I don't think that is so bad!

But the point here is; who gets to decide that lying in a particular situation is ok as long as your lies are not hurting anyone? Would most women (and even men) want their partners to lie to them to protect them or would they want their partners to be completely honest with them, even if it meant hurting them.

It is never pleasant to think that you may be betrayed by someone you love. All of us want our husbands, wives, or significant others to be honest with us. We all want an open and truthful relationship that is built on trust. However, despite our best intentions, sometimes secrecy and deception can creep into our relationships.

When it comes to certain aspects of a relationship such as being faithful, cheating on your partner, or talking about your real feelings for your partner, we can all say that lying is wrong. However, when it comes to the little white lies that are told to reduce conflict in a relationship or to save someone from unnecessary pain, then is lying acceptable?

The way I see it, intimate relationships do demand honesty from both the partners, but sometimes complete honesty may even tear a couple apart. So, perhaps telling the partial truth is what is needed to make a relationship work. The key lies in finding the correct balance.

Click here to view the Intimacy Special

Ruchi Agarwal

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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October 16, 2008 in In Focus | Permalink

October 10, 2008

How To Bluff Your Way As A New Spouse

How To Bluff Your Way As A New Spouse Successful marriages work because both spouses let each other bluff to their heart's content.

How To Bluff Your Way As A New Spouse Everyone keeps telling you married life is all about love, happiness and compromise. What's the big deal you think? You've already met his parents and they like you... or at least pretend to like you. Your dad's met him and still living to tell the tale. He's seen you without make up. Or has he?

If you are like most brides, your unsuspecting husband has seen only your best side. He thinks you have beautiful long hair that falls silky straight to your waist. Never mind the blow dryer, straightening iron, TIGI curl control and anti-frizz, hair serum and every other hair product that goes into taming those locks. He thinks you are sugar sweet and never have a bad thing to say about anybody. Never mind the marathon phone conversations with your best friend discussing every minute detail about... his mother! He thinks you cook like a dream and he will be served breakfast in bed for the rest of his life. Never mind your friendly neighbourhood aunty who cooks like a dream and doesn't mind if you take all the credit.

Then again, if you are like most grooms, your rosy-eyed bride has seen only your best side too! She thinks you are oh-so-romantic because you send her flowers everyday. Never mind the fact that you paid the florist for six months worth of flowers in a single go - and it's six months to your wedding day. So post-wedding it's kaput for the flowers. She thinks you are a sensitive metrosexual man because you remember all her nieces and nephews and even her mother's sister's son's birthday. Never mind the fact that your secretary calls and reminds you of every occasion. She thinks you never even look at other women and Liz Hurley is totally overrated. Never mind the adult videos stashed in a corner of your office and your lifelong subscription to Playboy.

It all adds up really. If you think about what it takes to make a marriage work it's all about putting one's best foot forward. If that means hiding all the dirty feet and brushing a few of the really rotten one's under the carpet, then so be it. Another theory is that poker players make the best spouses. After all, they are experts at the game of bluffing.

You can bluff your way too with a little bit of clever manoeuvring. New brides who want to impress with their cooking skills, but don't have any, fret not. The trick is to never cook anything his mother does. Fact of the matter is you can never be as good as she is. So why try? Instead insist on cooking up 'new' dishes and presenting them in your own unique style. That way, even if you mess things up and add a few ingredients that weren't meant to be there nobody will know. So put on your chef's hat and whip up gourmet meals to your hearts delight... not your stomach's delight maybe, but one out of two isn't bad.

New grooms may want to keep up their macho appearances also. If DIY projects really aren't your style and your blushing bride is waiting for you to put together the new dining table, there are two possible ways to bluff your way through this mess. The first can cost you a pretty penny but goes down really well. Tell your bride that you can't be bothered with such mundane tasks and your time is worth far more. Call a professional instead to assemble the required furniture. Quick, easy and expensive. But very effective. The other way is to tell your darling that you want her to be completely independent of you. You think she's capable of doing anything she puts her mind to - and that includes putting together the table. Then pretend to help her out. If your bride is like most women she will figure it out eventually - you can help lift and carry things around and act like you know everything and are just letting her upgrade her skills.

Talking of appearances, that's another thing new brides might have to bluff their way through. So far your besotted husband has only seen your best face. Morning breath is something that only happens to men huh? And you positively glow even without makeup. Of course, he doesn't know about the hour you spend putting on makeup to make it look like you're wearing none. There are two possible ways to deal with this too. The first requires you to wake up really early in the morning. Insist that you are an early riser and wake up before he does. Put on all the required glob on yourself and be prettily mussed when he wakes up. 5 a.m. is a great hour to sneak around. You can rest assured your husband will be in dreamland and you will get at least 2 hours to get into costume. The other one may not go down so well with your husband but is a whole lot less effort for you. Wake up only after he leaves for work. Until then, hide yourself under the covers and insist that early mornings give you migraines and affect your health negatively.

And speaking of ill health, grooms only believe in survival of the fittest. So letting on that you are not as fit as you appear to be is sacrilege. Husbands must always be in the pink of health. Your mother may have thought cooing over you while you moaned and groaned was oh-so-special. It's highly unlikely that your new bride will find her husband hanging with his head in the pot an attractive sight. She expects you to coddle her and be the macho man. So, if you find yourself going yellow or green or any other colour with a nasty bug, insist that it's the latest trend from Versace.

If we are talking of Versace, how can we not mention shopping and new brides? Has your husband seen the credit card statements yet or are you saving that for when he forgets your birthday? That is how all new brides should deal with shopping bills. There is really no point in stressing the poor sod out. Instead, wait till he really goofs up big time - and men being men, he will eventually. Then, bring out the tears and the bills simultaneously. The tears will effectively wash away any tirades that may have happened and the bills will be paid with gratitude that you have given him a chance to redeem himself somehow.

Of course, if new brides can manipulate shopping bills, new husbands are the masters when it comes to hiding financial gaffes. While you are thinking that you have a tidy little sum of money saved up for your annual holiday, he probably has the autographed baseball from the 1935 season finale. And when you find that autographed baseball if you think he will come clean and admit he bought it, think again. He will then be amazed at what a discovery you have made and by selling the ball isn't it great how you two can take the vacation immediately. Whether he actually sells the ball and takes you for a vacation or not is dependent on how much he values his peace - among other things.

So if you really think about it, marriage is all about learning to dance. You waltz into places angels would fear to tread, sidestep issues that are uncomfortable for you and show you in a bad light and simply cha cha your way through life. Along the way if the music stops, pretend you still hear it and continue to dance.

New brides and grooms can pretend to dance to each other's tune while actually pulling the strings of the whole show. Whether you rule the roost or your husband does, whether you wear the pants or your wife does, whether you are the man or he is - it all adds up to the same thing. You both want to rule, you both have no clue what the other is thinking or doing and you both are too busy bluffing your way through marriage. The great part of course is that all successful marriages work because both spouses let each other bluff to their heart's content.

You say one thing, you mean another. He listens to something and hears another. It's what makes marriage so beautiful. The ability to coexist without really ever understanding what the other is saying. After all men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The two shall never speak the same language - and yet, who needs words to communicate?

Kavita Harlalka

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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October 10, 2008 in In Focus | Permalink

September 19, 2008

Reality Check: The DINK Way

Reality Check: The DINK Way Is a couple jeopardizing their future happiness in lieu of present opulence?

Reality Check: The DINK Way Is having a child always the next step in a marriage?

A decade ago in India, marriage, children and family were inextricably linked. Many women married since then may recollect being nudged and winked at, during their marriage, about the intimacy they were about to indulge in. Not-so-subtle hints about the bundle of joy that would come their way before long (read 'a year hence') were also not far behind!

But times have changed, and perhaps one of the most salient aspects of this change is the emergence of couples going the DINK way across major metros.

DINK - what's that?

DINK, an acronym for Double Income No Kids, first appeared in Pat Buchanan's best-selling book The Death of the West. Now interestingly, the subtitle of this book, How Dying Populations and Immigrant Invasions Imperil Our Country and Civilization, and his chastising DINK couples as persons who shirk a social responsibility (having children) in favour of a shallow self-cantered lifestyle suggest that Buchanan's message was strongly nationalistic in intent.

We'll give the latter part of that argument a miss, in favour of asking a more pertinent question - do a husband and wife constitute a family or only a couple? In other words, are children essential to complete a family?

Why choose to be a DINK couple?

A step further, by choosing a DINK lifestyle, is a couple jeopardizing their future happiness in lieu of present opulence?

Let's get this straight - the reasons for couples choosing a DINK lifestyle are pretty much the same in India as in the West. The freedom to do as they please, when they please, live a footloose and fancy free life, party hard and sleep in, chase careers and indulge in branded luxury goods, and so on - attracts couples not to have children.

Of course, there are also women who fear being pregnant or the process of childbirth, or couples who genuinely dislike children or feel the country is over-populated as it is! What emanates is that unlike childless couples who desire children but can't have them, DINK couples opt to be childfree.

Exercise your freedom to choose wisely

Although the reasons are many, and sure, every couple has the freedom to choose whether and when they want children, the right reason will ensure a couple does not repent too late in the day.

It is essential for a couple to define what constitutes family to them. If a man and woman marry and feel content with themselves, or like Rohit and Smita with the orphaned children they work with every weekend at a local NGO, they're unlikely to ever experience a sense of being incomplete even if they don't have kids. Among celebrities, consider that talk show queen Oprah Winfrey doesn't have children of her own but devotes her time and financial resources to help build schools for underprivileged girls in Africa. She neither misses nor is likely to miss having children.

However, if like Somesh and Meena, a couple has chosen to remain childfree because they feel having children would not allow them to 'enjoy' their life, they may well find themselves hankering for 'fulfilment' two decades down the line.

DINK couples = selfish couples?

In March 2008, the results of an ASSOCHAM survey of around 1500 couples revealed that 75 percent DINK couples spend rupees 20,000 per month on entertainment, fitness, eating out and shopping for branded wear.

Although most of those surveyed boasted of an income of rupees 6 to 8 lakhs per annum, they led tough schedules as a result of holding demanding jobs in MNCs, IT / ITES firms or in sales and marketing departments. As a result, these couples cribbed of the lack of time to enjoy a holiday. Further, 65 percent of these couples agreed that the absence of kids in their lives gave them room to splurge. Evidently then, they would not have the time (not the inclination) to bring up a child!

Take a reality check

And more importantly, they would not have the time to ask themselves a few pertinent questions - What is your perception of the purpose life? What is your goal in life? If earning money plays a huge part in your life, what do you propose to spend the money on?

These are questions you should ask yourself. It's not as though all DINK couples are selfish - some have devoted themselves to noble causes. Once in a while, you should just review and revisit the foundation you have based your 'DINK' decision on.

Essentially - don't allow your chase for comforts today push you out of your comfort zone later on in life. Don't compromise on not having a family. It can emotionally hit and hurt you badly, and cost you far more, in the years to come.

Charu Bahri

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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September 19, 2008 in In Focus | Permalink

September 11, 2008

First Impressions & In-Laws

First Impressions & In-Laws Don't let the in-laws outlaw you. Tips on creating a good first impression!

First Impressions & In-Laws How to make a good impression when meeting your future in-laws for the very first time.

Studies have shown that most people make their first impression within five minutes of meeting another person. And if first impressions are really last impressions, you must make sure all goes smooth in the first rendezvous with the prospective in-laws. Here are a few tips to help all you to-be brides and grooms.

Be yourself: When meeting any new person, the only way to let the awkwardness pass is by being you. This stands true for your partner's parents too. Trying to portray a completely different personality will make you uncomfortable and will eventually be noticed by everyone. Now we are not advising you to act boisterously like you might with your buddies on a night out. But forget the overly-demure bride or affectionate son-in-law routine too. Instead, behave like you do with any respectable adult.
Learn about them: Ask your partner to brief you a little on their interests, their jobs and especially the taboo topics in the family. If they are from a different culture, they will appreciate you knowing about their traditions. While a complete course of ''Mom and Dad 101'' may not be available in case of an arranged marriage; learn all the details you possibly can.
Dress for success: Make sure you are dressed neatly; clothes should be well ironed and appropriate to the location you are meeting at. A casual look is fine for a coffee shop but a restaurant demands more formal attire. If you have been invited to their place, a semi formal look is your safest bet. Men, this is not a day to sport the rugged look - shave please. Women, they want to see your real face, keep the makeup subtle and classy. And no cleavage please!
Mind your posture: This one is not as lame as it sounds. Maintaining a good posture reflects confidence and poise. Slouching will project you as a nonchalant person who thinks this meeting is of lesser importance. Try to maintain eye contact while talking and don't tap your foot or look at your watch.
Address them correctly: Ask your fiancé / partner in advance how your future in-laws would like to be addressed and greeted. Different cultures have different ways of showing respect. If you are unsure, stick to what your own parents have taught you when being introduced to their own friends for the first time.
Mind your manners: In addition to please and thank-you, stand up when being introduced to anyone. Touch their feet for their blessings, if that's the culture. Wait till they are seated before you sit. Be polite but not fake. Sugar coating every compliment will come across as not saying it from the heart. Mind your table manners and help to clear the table if at home. Thoughtful gestures, even as small as passing the appetizers around will make a good impression.
Involve the entire family: Striking up a conversation with your partner's / fiancé's siblings and grandparents will certainly help you to score added brownie points. Your interest in their entire family will give your future in-laws a glimpse of how you interact with others.
Stick to safe conversations: Try not to discuss religion or politics, both of which have highly differentiated opinions. Let them start most conversations. Safe topics for you to start on include complimenting their home or a painting there, the weather, a little about your family or a common hobby that you might share with one of them. If they start on a controversial topic that you are unsure of answering, try to change the topic. Parents love to talk about their own children. So ask questions about your partner's / fiancé's childhood. Absolutely avoid saying anything critical about your partner, even as a joke. You can get into a sticky situation if they do not find it funny.
Remember: They have raised the person you want to marry. Respect them for that and remember your partner is the person he / she is, because of your future in-laws. They only want what's best for their child and that's true of any parents, including your own. They want to make sure their child is marrying a considerate, stable and nice human being. This thought will help you keep an open mind and shake the nervousness off.

Aarti Thadani

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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September 11, 2008 in In Focus | Permalink

September 04, 2008

What's In A Name?

What's In A Name? Would you change your FIRST name along with your last name after marriage?

What's In A Name? Would you change your FIRST name along with your last name after marriage?

To change or not to change. Not even an option until a decade ago, the decision whether they should change their last name to adopt that of their husbands is high on the agenda for soon to-be brides. For career oriented women taking on a new last name can cause many complications at work. Some are going with hyphenated trend, which seems to be a mid-way compromise. They reason that this is the best way to retain their own identity and merge with that of their spouse. So the latest trend for the urban Indian woman's signature is to appear something like ''Mrs. Meena Parikh-Ajgaonkar''.

Ironically, the Western world is seeing the fad finally starting to fade after thirty years. Recent studies at Harvard show that an increasing number of brides in North America are now opting to take on the groom's last name; with no hyphens.

Now the more interesting part - Did you know that some Indian communities follow a tradition of changing the bride's first name after marriage? Sindhi, Bengali, Maharashtrian, Kannada and certain Punjabi families change the bride's first name. Some have a name change ceremony after the wedding, where the groom carves his bride's new first name in rice using a ring. Others ask the groom to whisper the bride's new first name in her ear. The name is chosen based on astrological compatibility of both newlyweds.

"When the pundit told us that my change of name would bring our marriage loads of good fortune; I agreed immediately. Besides, I did get a say in the chosen name; only the beginning alphabet was calculated by him", says Heena D, a jewellery designer. However, she maintains her full maiden name (first and last) at work since it's just more convenient. Here was a girl who was professionally successful and independent. Rebellious and fashionable, yet she agreed to change her first name, which many women equate to one's complete identity.

Personal orthodox beliefs are not what prompted Sudha Naik, a pre-school teacher in Bangalore. She was coaxed by her in-laws and her husband; who believed in age old Kannada tradition. "I did it to maintain peace and keep everyone happy." she says. Many women today would respond by saying it should not be their burden alone to maintain peace in the family.

Shalini Mirchandey was thrilled when she learnt that her in-laws did not care for her to follow this norm of their community. "It was an absolute no-no for me. How does one adjust to a new first name after 25 years? The new last name itself was difficult to get used to." Her sister-in-law to be does not have the same circumstances. Since Sunita shares the same first name with her mother in-law, she'll have to change her first name after the wedding. Imagine the comedy of errors in a household with two women sharing identical first and last names.

Rupjot Gill, a Toronto based lawyer, shares her story. "My in-laws suggested that I change my first name to Rupman since they thought that sounds better but I discussed my disapproval with my husband. I like my name and am proud of what my parents chose for me". Rupjot and Shalini, like many others, are questioning the old belief system where women should bow to any requests from their in-laws. They are proud of their identity and are not willing to change that.

Does a name change who you are or your character? What's so wrong in having a new first name if that's what makes your family happy? In life's bigger picture, the name game is so insignificant. I am still me. My parents and old friends continue to call me by my maiden first name while my in-laws use my new name. Legally and professionally I sign with my maiden first name and my new last name (due to laziness I got only the last name changed on all legal documents). Confused? It gets better! My husband doesn't call me by either of those two first names. He just uses various terms of endearment. Still, having several names does not alter the fabric of my being. I know myself and am confident of whom I am. What you call me is not going to change an iota of my personality.

Aarti Thadani

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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September 4, 2008 in In Focus | Permalink

August 28, 2008

Married And Friends With The Opposite Sex?

Married And Friends With The Opposite Sex? Society often assumes sexual involvement between the opposite sex. Do you feel the same?

Married And Friends With The Opposite Sex? Friendships outside a marriage are healthy for us. They are a support system during tough times, an opportunity to share common interests and hobbies and also the means for growth as an individual. However, if such a friend is from the opposite sex; maintaining the friendship can be very challenging without being looked upon suspiciously. A male and female co-worker taking a coffee break together every day will attract more than one employee's attention and perhaps even a wagging finger. But two colleagues of the same sex would be almost invisible even if they went out to lunch.

Why the discrimination?

Society conditions us from childhood about different behaviour in presence of the opposite sex. Going through adolescence many parents talk to their teenagers about appropriate behaviour and the lines to be drawn in the company of the opposite sex. In the words of Dr.S Sharma, a marriage consultant, "Society often assumes sexual involvement between two people of the opposite sex even if that relationship lacks physical touch."

The Upside

Cross gender friendships can be very beneficial in many ways as they offer all the qualities missing from same gender friendships. They are normally not as competitive as same gender ones. "My female friends are always trying to look better than each other without even knowing it," says Suman T., a 28 years old teacher. Another reason cited by women is that cross gender friendships are not as emotionally demanding. They find other women want to be on a very intimate emotional level. Some men are attracted to women as friends because they find that they get a new perspective on various subjects, including tips on gifts for their wives.

"My male friends go through the same anxiety about buying the perfect anniversary gift, but do not want to be a part of my distress. A female friend will be willing to oblige," says Rajesh M, a 33 years old accountant.

The Downside

Almost 30% people who form cross gender friendships were at some point sexually attracted to their "friend". Husbands and wives can read such messages and the temptation can end up in a ruined marriage. So it comes as no surprise that close cross gender friendships after marriage are in low numbers. This is due to possessiveness and jealousy that often characterizes sexual relationships. It is the sexual attraction that complicates friendship with the opposite sex after marriage.

In a survey almost 25% men and 45% women reported that it is absolutely unacceptable for their spouse to have opposite sex friends. However, many amongst those said it would be alright if the friendship had been formed prior to the marriage.

The Balance

So, what are the keys to a successful cross gender friendship after marriage?

Do not seek such a friendship when your marriage is at a low point. This will become a dangerous liaison where you will look to fulfil the vacuum from your marriage.
Never insult or mock your spouse behind their back. If you refer to your spouse respectfully, only then will others do the same.
Keep the friendship open. Let your spouse know about your friend. Also, talk to your friend about your spouse often. Let him/her know the importance of your spouse in your life early on.
Meet your friend's partner, and make your intentions clear through your actions and words. If everyone is amicable; a foursome gathering of the two couples is probably best.
Keep it clean. Do not give people a chance to talk. Do not share a drink or a meal, or hold hands or even give friendly bear hugs. It may seem innocent to you, but people cannot read your mind. They only read your actions.
Respect your spouse's emotions if they admit they are jealous. Insecurity is natural so discontinue your friendship if your spouse is unhappy about it.
Remember, no friendship, of the opposite sex or of the same sex, should ever come between a husband and a wife.

The whole situation can be summed up in the words of Anna Garlin Spencer, "The friendship between a man and a woman which does not lead to marriage or desire for marriage may be a lifelong experience of the greatest value to themselves and to all their circle of acquaintance and of activity; but for this type of friendship both a rare man and a rare woman are needed.

Perhaps it should be added that either the man or the woman thus deeply bound in lifelong friendship who seeks marriage must find a still rarer man or woman to wed, to make such a three cornered comradeship a permanent success."

Aarti Thadani

Content Courtesy ShaadiTimes

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August 28, 2008 in In Focus | Permalink

August 22, 2008

When Your Spouse Is A Degree Better...

When Your Spouse Is A Degree Better... Why are people often so fixated on just the educational degrees of the prospective partner?

When Your Spouse Is A Degree Better... Monai, hailing from a lower middle-class family, had to drop out of school because of undetected dyslexia. The women in her family went on to complete school and some even graduated from college.

While the women in Monai's family went on to do academic jobs, Monai joined a leather factory. Monai has now reached marriageable age and is looking for a life partner. Prospective grooms are often impressed by Monai's picture and family background. But when they get to know that she hasn't completed school they often withdraw interest.

There are very few people who can appreciate all the other attributes that Monai has - she is a talented cook and very creative with handiwork. And though she completed Class X, she is an intelligent and logical thinker.

Can education be measured by mere academic degrees?

Unfortunately people often seem to measure intelligence with the attainment of educational degrees. It is often assumed that the higher the educational qualification, greater the intelligence. This may not always be true.

After all Nobel Laureate Rabindranath Tagore never completed school; yet his poetry, short stories and novels are taught in schools and colleges. Mughal Emperor Akbar though illiterate was an architect, artisan, artist, blacksmith, carpenter, emperor, engineer, general, inventor, animal trainer, technologist and theologian. And let's not forget that Bill Gates is a Harvard dropout!

So why are people often so fixated on just the formal educational degrees of the prospective partner?

Joydeep and Bani Dutta (names changed) while looking for a match for their son actually insisted that the prospective bride's mark sheets and report cards be photocopied and sent to them along with her horoscope. They advertised for an 'academically brilliant' bride and wanted to ensure that the bride's family wasn't lying about her academic performance.

Yet they said that their daughter-in-law was strictly not allowed to work. The reason they gave was, "A bride who was good in studies adds to family prestige. But if women work who will look after the household? They should make use of their education to teach their children instead. After all the husband who is working can't be expected to help with the children's homework."

Talking to the Duttas it seems that they insisted on a highly educated bride not because of reasons of emotional compatibility but just for ornamentation purposes. They never wanted to know what the prospective bride's hobbies, dreams, aspirations, likes and dislikes were.

How important is education in marital compatibility?

Ted from the U.S. says, "When I married my wife, there was a considerable difference in the level of education between us. However, this was not based on ability to learn but on her opportunity for education. Our marriage rests on a mutual understanding of more basic human qualities. I was able to let her go to college, which she did, with considerable success.

This does not mean there are no problems - her field is very different from mine. So we have very little in common, professionally, to talk about, which I do miss, and I guess she does as well. It is important to have that common basis of human quality and values that underlie everything else." Kudos to Ted for being so encouraging and supportive of his wife and helping her to study further.

In Indian society, if the wife is more educated than the husband, it may result in the husband suffering from an inferiority complex. Psychologist Dr.Rupa Kapadia says, "Sunil (not so educated) married to Sushma (highly educated) were having a difficult time because Sunil was insecure that Sushma would be the dominant partner. Consequently he started aggressively finding fault with her cooking to make his wife feel low. I worked with Sunil to make him secure with whatever education he had. Once he felt secure, he got over his insecurity and stopped finding faults with her."

American Psychologist Carl Rogers said, "The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change." So no matter what your educational degrees may be, if you open to learning and changing throughout your married life, your marriage will surely be a long and happy one.

So, would you marry a man less educated than you / a woman more educated than you?

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Married And Friends With The Opposite Sex?

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